Re: Bi-Polar II and not ADHD?

[Anonymous]

I haven’t been on here for a couple of months. I just finished reading all of your responses. Let me tell you, I teared up because of the support, the suggestions, and the words of encouragement. THANK YOU!

To catch you up, I’ll tell you what has been happening. I had started the Lamotrigine, and was at 50mg. I’m now taking 150mg. Truthfully, I’m not sure if it’s working or not. I don’t really understand what it is supposed to be doing, and only know that it is a ‘mood stabilizer’, whatever that means.

I had my dosage of the Armor Thyroid med bumped up from 60mg to 90mg daily. I’ll be tested again next week. Also My Vitamin D levels went from 11 to 33, and I’m trying to get more sun, while we actually have it! I also learned that my iron stores were indeed low. So started on iron pills too!

The interesting part to this is that my Dr. did start me on ADHD meds. She felt that I was doing better, mood wise, and that since I still had the ADHD symptoms, would try stimulants. So, she prescribed me Focalin. I couldn’t believe that I actually started to dive into various projects, and even completed some! I was unsure if it was the med, or just that I was feeling better. Then a week later I felt suicidal and like a loser again. The thing about that is that there was a situation that I fell apart over, and blamed most of it on myself being defective. I’ll describe it, as it may help you understand how a huge disappointment or failure can cause one to do a backslide.

My son didn’t graduate high school, and was also turned down for a special program that would help him finish his diploma. I was crushed that he didn’t graduate. He didn’t do the commencement ceremony, and walk to receive his diploma, and well, it just hurt deeply. I cried and cried (when he wasn’t around).

So, we found out about a high school completion program at the Tech College. It allows the kids to earn their HS diploma, while earning a Certificate or a AA degree. It is completely funded by some major orgs like The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, for one. He had to write essays, take a test called the Compass Test, and be interviewed. He did a great essay, he scored super high on the Compass, and was not as great in the interview, mostly because he was so nervous. Anyway, I called to find out if he got in and was told no.

I spoke to the lady who did the interview. She said he could reapply for the Winter quarter. I asked why he didn’t get in, and she said there were only 5 spots left, and he didn’t interview well. I asked her what he could do differently/better next time so he gets in. She said that when he came in for the interview, she looked at his info and saw that in school he had an IEP, and that that raised a ‘red flag.’ Now, we went to an orientation, and they said that they accept kids with IEPs. So I told her that. She said that they have a ‘list’ of red flag items, and IEPs are on it. The fact that he has ADHD and Aspergers, made her believe he couldn’t do the program. I, after having to take some very deep breaths, asked her if they have ever accepted any kids with ADHD, and if so, what percentage of them passed. She guessed about 60%. She gave me some other suggestions, like he could take a class, and prove to them that he can pass. I asked what kind of class and she said maybe organization. Well, in the orientation they said that the first term was teaching them organization and other college prep skills. Anyway, we talked for a while longer and then hung up. After a while, I really started to get pissed.

She had referred to him having an IEP like it was a huge disadvantage, and even a guarantee that he would not succeed. Also the contradiction of what was said in the orientation and what she told me about the ‘red flag’ list just didn’t sit right with me. So, I composed an email with the intent to express my ‘opinion’ about the situation.

I Googled the name of the program and found the name and email of the President of it. It’s a Nationwide (US) program, and in WA only 2 schools offer it. Anyway, I sent the email to her. She replied by 7am the next day. She said she forwarded it to the Dean of High School Programs of the college (I didn’t know there was one).

THAT’S when I really lost it. I was sure that I had just ruined my son’s chances of getting in for Winter, because I impulsively wrote that email, and now it was in the hands of the Dean of that program. At least the email was professional, and no cursing or anything was in it. I stated, without saying so, that he was discriminated for his ADHD and MILD Aspergers. And I mentioned the other contradictions. I asked for help/advice on what type of class he could realistically take to help him get accepted for Winter quarter.

I cried and tore myself a new one, so to speak. I berated myself for hurting his chances, and for passing down my defective genes to him. I wanted to die and free him from having me as a mother. I felt I had done way too much damage to him his entire life, and on and on.

The next day that Dean called and actually sounded sorta nervous and concerned. She said that she was changing the terminology, and would have more specific details at the orientations. She offered for my son to be re-interviewed. I asked her why, if the 5 remaining spots had been filled? She didn’t really have an answer. She offered to meet with us, and to help find him a class at the college that would help him for Winter quarter.

Anyway, sorry for the long story, it’s just that the situation, up until the Dean called me, was extreme. I even called the Suicide Prevention line. I was a mess. When I called, I had to do the whole press 1 for this, and then please wait while we transfer…, and then ‘We are currently helping others’, and then the line ringing for minutes and minutes. I finally just hung up. Then I laughed! If I was that person who was right at the edge, that call would have been the last straw.

So I sent them an email too.

When I went back to the doctor a few days later, and told her all of this, she told me that I was amazing for championing my son, and that I was not a loser for doing so. I had a hard time believing that, but compliments are hard to take.

After I told her about the thoughts of suicide, she said she was taking me off of the Focalin, and putting me on Adderall (Focalin is Ritalin I guess, and Adderall is a different class of stimulant, I believe). She thinks the Focalin caused me to feel suicidal. I’m not sure. I went through one of the biggest disappointments in my life, the son not graduating, and then the whole college/IEP/Email thing, and didn’t know how to process it. Couldn’t it just be situational?

Anyway, I started the Adderall this morning. Getting that prescription filled was like getting Top Secret clearance to a National Archive or something! I’m not a young person, so I had to have Pre-authorization. Even then, they won’t give me the extended release, and had to get a new scrip for the other one. Then had to go through the pre-auth again, and it took a week as they were trying to pre-auth the wrong med! I hope it works.

So, for the most part I am doing better. I am going to start therapy as I need help dealing with the big issues, and need someone to listen, help and guide me. Also, I have been making changes to my diet, though I’ll admit, that’s not easy!

I’m really hoping that the Adderall works as well as the Focalin did.

What a long journey.

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