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Anonymous
Great gifts and great terror. The turning point for me was when I decided to consider my diagnosis as another identity along with all my other identities. Doc, patient, guy, jerk and a half, son, mystic, scientist, lover, victim, oppressor, subversive, citizen, yogi, minister, infidel are a few of the others lurking in my consciousness somewhere. All of my known and unknown identities are vying for dominance at any given time and although I can influence the mix consciously my unconscious mind is always way ahead laying down traps, ambushes, pleasures and unpleasures.
The “smart person” identity is both pleasure and pain and maybe the most dynamic of the clan. It’s my prodigal son: proud, disobedient,
cursed and cherished.
Surrendering to my needs of being dependent and taken care of as a patient allowed me to spend more of my time and energy as a mad scientist, mystic and rocker. Now, I can at least suppress the brilliant psychiatrist physician part of me which is usually overwhelmingly in charge and spend more time with the asshole from New York side who loves to say “fuck you” to all the other kindred assholes I meet. My bliss.
Psychostimulants and psychiatrists are great to have on my team. They are necessary and indispensable, coaches who call in the desired plays to me. But I like to call my own audibles because I’m smarter than anybody on the field and the coaches are idiots anyway! But I fumble more when I ignore them and must then hang down my head in all due shame. The roar of the crowd is worth it until I go back to the bench and the coach says, “hey asshole, what the hell was that stunt anyway?”
“It’s called ‘My way’ and I won the game”, I arrogantly reply. And then I sit out a game or two in total regret, until they need the angel of vengeance yet once again. And then I glory in both the cheers of encouragement and the howls of execration.
But on Monday I go back to work to heal the sick and bury the dead…and desperately try to catch up on my charts.
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