Thank you so much for all of the info/support! I live in Ohio so I’m not sure how the law works, but I am definitely going to do some research on the subject. I am not even able to afford a lawyer so hopefully I can get a public defender if needed. I have beat myself up so badly that I feel like in a way, I’m not even ‘meant’ to drive, It sounds so crazy to say that I know I should have gone to the BMV, and I JUST didn’t. I was lucky in that the sheriff who pulled me over was very nice. He could have impounded my car but instead let me call someone to drive me home. My employer and office manager are aware of the struggles that I’ve had and have been so very patient and supportive, but I’m looking ‘big picture’ at the money I have spent by just not doing what I’m supposed to and I feel like a fool. I mean how completely idiotic is it that I live paycheck to paycheck, but I live everyday running the risk of having to pay hundreds of dollars extra because I just ‘couldn’t’ make a 10 minute trip to the BMV and pay for my tags? I say it to myself and I just want to laugh/cry hysterically. I guess that’s one of the reasons I am so grateful to this site, to try and explain to friends and family always sounds like a cop out. I’ve been working on ‘behavior modification’ for a while, but how long does it take to undo 34 years of bad behavior? It took me 5 years to fully accept and become compliant with the bipolar disorder. ADHD was yet another hurdle and I kept thinking “But I’m managing, I’m doing fine!” but just like you, Memzak, I have felt the panic when I see a police officer on the road, even when all of my paperwork is in ‘order’ and I am ‘legal’. I’m realizing that the denial is the thing that is holding me back from getting real help and making true progress. I’ve thought that I was being lazy and selfish and inconsiderate for so long, I guess that in my mind, I’m just putting another layer on the bad qualities, making excuses. The diagnosis of ADHD itself is barely 3 years old, but I have records from the psychiatrist I am currently seeing as well as the one I started with way back when. I figure that when I go on Thursday, I’ll talk to someone and see my options. The first time I went to court, the judge STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I seek counsel, but I figured that I didn’t have the time to come back to court, and I ‘deserved’ whatever they threw at me for breaking the law. Now I understand that the lawyer would have been able to get me a much lighter punishment and work with the prosecutor. I always promise that this is the LAST TIME, but honestly, all weekend I’ve vowed that this is the last time, fingers crossed. This HAS to be the last time. I’ve pretty much exhausted all of my friends with driving me around town, to and from work, etc. I spent the weekend making ‘alternative’ plans, exploring the option of buying a bycicle to ride in case I lose my driving priviledges for a significant amount of time, checking bus routes, etc. I tell myself that this is not the end of the world, but it’s a pretty large cramp in my life, but if I don’t look at it as a learning experience and truly walk away from this fully understanding the importance of doing what I need to do, then I’m only torturing myself, and I’m repeating a cycle that I’ve been living in for so long. I remember the relief I felt the first time that I was able to priortize and not procrastinate. The first day at work when I was able to complete all of my tasks and not feel that rush, that stress, that panic. I don’t want the court or the judge to go light on me, I just want to find some peace and the only person who can give me that is the person who is holding me back…me.
Thank you again for your suggestions. I can’t tell you how happy it made me to get on my page and see your responses 