Re: ADHD and keeping on topic

[Anonymous]

I struggle with recalling words and it’s infuriatingly difficult. Often, I shy away from conversations because I know inevitably I’ll hit that point when I want to express a thought- the thought is there as well as the specific word I want to use – but fail because I hit that familiar mental block. My mind will go totally blank and I can’t seem to recall anything: names, dates, titles to books, an author’s name, a specific word I’m sure I know, but can’t access…. This has been a source of depression for most of my teenage and all of my adult life. This inability to recall what I know is in my mind prevents me from creating meaningful relationships and I am insecure because of it. I fear my inability to keep up in conversations; I’m insecure and terrified by the fact that I can’t always contribute intelligently to a conversation or discussion because I won’t remember/recall the article/book/song/lesson/name/place/event/etc. I read about or learned somehow, not long ago.

A feeling of anxiety and heat begins to travel down my body when I’m in these situations; I feel prickly all over. It’s as if my mind has been put on pause. Pressure builds in the space between my eyes, and I feel removed from myself slightly. Inside I’m praying something will give and magically click back into place, opening the mental dam again. It never happens that way, though.

I’m sure what I’ve described are symptoms of social anxiety that are brought on by my trouble with working memory.

I struggle in the area I love the most. Language.

I want to write, but can’t. I look onto the page or screen and my mind goes blank. I begin a line and my mind goes blank. Somehow, against the odds, I’m off to a decent start– then my mind goes blank. I struggle accessing my vocabulary and allowing the words to emerge. Fluidity is an issue as well. Concerning writing, nothing feels fluid to me. My memory does not allow it. It is absolutely line-by-line and word-by-word; Love turns into resentment.

I’ve put a lot of emphasis on words in particular, but my sentiment goes beyond words alone. This concerns every aspect of my working memory. From reading to remembering to storing to recalling and everything else. For me, however, words are important and near to my heart so I’ve given them the most attention here.

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