Re: Today is NOT my friend!

[munchkin]

I had a rough weekend too. Last week, I just felt like the meds weren’t doing anything… Things just weren’t materializing into actual positive results for my situation – in fact I felt like the little progress made in my excitement of diagnosis, and first couple weeks of meds was totally undone, and everything regressed back to less than zero. I had to do something, and I don’t have another Psychiatrist appt for a month, so I decided to look at the “holistic” thing again. What was I doing, now that I’m on meds, to make use of this tool? I seriously have issues with having given up on trying to do stuff, and a rationized belief that how my life has been is “who I am” and screw everyone if they are so uptight and “A-type.” Mainly I believed my problem was about who i was associating with – not anything I was doing/not doing. So having this new perspective where I supposedly can do stuff, is a huge upset in who I am and how I spend my time. There are deeply ingrained habits of doing things that just keep my mind busy and thoughts of impending problems and consequences at bay.

So – I actually have tried to let go of those comforting crutches for windows of time and actually attempt to do things that seem ridiculous to me like trying to organize my stuff, or housework or bills or organizing my desk at work… Stuff that to me is monstrous and pointless and, I don’t know what… Just trying to build a little momentum… I’m reading “More Attention, Less Deficit” by Ari Tuckman, and just spending a little time on it each day – no matter how small – is helping me beat down the hopeless feelings that have built up over so many years of failures, feeling misunderstood, trying to believe it’s my fault because that way I would have control to fix it, lowering expections, raising expectations, trying to explain why other peoples solutions don’t work for me, and yes – I really did try it – and here’s why it didn’t work – and the rolled eyes of people, and patronizing speeches about how they motivate themselves, and how simple it really is… and just keep up with stuff and then it won’t build up like that…

Anyway… I’m making the decision that none of that matters, and I will need to get out of my comfort zone and actually try to do stuff all over again, and it will be just as hard as ever, only this time, I will have a shot at succeeding because I am aware of what’s tripping me up, and I don’t have to come up with all these bizarre explanations, rationalizations, etc. that I’ve done for so long. I just have to “do it” – yeck, that’s the same crap that’s always failed, but I have to believe that this time might be different. A tough leap of faith, but I’ve been trying this week, and despair is becoming less… I’ve been trying to pause, and evaluate – is what I’m doing right now appropriate for my overall situation and priorities? Lots of times it makes no difference… I’m gaining immediate emotional relief by doing some random activity that keeps me distracted from worrying. But… a few times a day, it’s working – I can actually shift to a higher priority task and get some progress on it. Even being able to do that a few times a day makes a difference… If I can do that even once a day, it’s a foundation to build on…

I guess there’s going to be good weeks and bad weeks, but I’m really, really hoping that I can stay the course. I have to deal with choices about which meds, which doses, do I have the right doc’s in place? Is my health OK – if I’m not eating or sleeping how can I tell what’s up with the meds? How does the female hormone situation play in? How do my past experiences and deeply held rationalizations play in? What kind of emotional roller coaster is my spouse going through with what to expect from me? What is reasonable to expect? What is my true personality without the deafening noise of all the criticizing voices in my head? It’s going to take time for these things to get sorted out, but I’m going to keep trying. As I said – despair is less… that can’t be bad…

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