Reply To: Work in Progress

[Anonymous]

@sdwa, Thanks for the compliments and support! I don’t really hear that very often, so it’s surprising when I do.

My son is a little emo too, though I don’t worry about that as much as the fact that he’s such a boy that I don’t generally know what to do with him. I was raised with 3 sisters, and I babysat families that had girls; I’ve never really spent much time around males of any age except my dad, and he’s a pretty unique person. My son likes football, so this last fall I signed him up and went to all his games – even though I had no idea what was going on for most of it- and I try to encourage him when I can, though I thought it was hard before when he has ADHD, now he has it and he’s starting puberty and the whole ‘challenge every adult’ thing, and it’s exhausting.

I hear you on the money issues. That’s close to what I bring home (and most of that is because of the U.S.’s tax return weirdness, I actually earn about half that) and it’s really hard. Especially when avoiding a bill is so much easier than admitting I can’t afford to pay it.

My greatest challenges as a parent is keeping up with the details. Knowing who needs to be where, when, and how much I have to do to make that happen. And standing up for them when I disagree with how someone else is caring for them. I need the help, so am afraid to say that I don’t like it when they do…whatever it is I don’t want them doing.

Like this winter break my 8yr old daughter told me she had to work on this school assignment and it was important she got it done. Then I worked every day but the holidays and forgot about it, and she never mentioned it again (I think she is so used to finishing her homework at school she forgot she had it as well), so this morning when we were frantically trying to get everyone out the door she was in tears because she was going to disappoint the teacher for not having this done. She has the opposite problem of her brother; not only does she not have ADD, she’s really smart and in advanced classes. Only the advanced classes require parental involement because it’s things they have to do on the internet, or interviewing people; things I have to help with. Which is fine, except I don’t really have time.

Those are the things that make me feel like a crappy parent. But I know for the most part, being a parent is one of the few things I’m really good at. I know what they need, how much discipline to dish out, and when they just need a friend. The problem is providing all that and still get to work and them to school on time. I’ve always said “The best thing about being a single parent is I get to make all the decisions myself; the worst is I have to make all the decisions myself.” It’s impossible to be all to everyone all the time, but as their fathers have very little to do with them I don’t really have another option.

I’m terrible with housework as well, though I haven’t given up on it, it’s just sort of winning the silent war I have going on. I hate having people over because of it however, and that means it bothers me enough to keep fighting it. That, and I’m not a fan of sharing my bed with piles of clean clothes, which I have done for the last 3 days because while I’ve been washing and drying, no one has been putting away. (and when they whine about not having clothes to wear, I want to throttle them).

I do not provide consistant structure, though I would like to. And I say no to my kids frequently. I ground them and make them “earn” back whatever it was I grounded them from. I’ve gone so far as to take every single thing out of my son’s room except his bed and dresser for a month when he threw the F-bomb at my dad while they were disagreeing about something. He had to then do chores and random acts of kindness to earn back each piece of furniture, toy, and wall hanging that had come out of his room. (I made sure to return the stuff he didn’t care about first so he wouldn’t stop once he got back “his” stuff).

The cash for word count sounds like a great idea; my advice would be to make sure you have enough money to realistically follow through so he doesn’t get diappointed and give up; also to make it a “value-added” word count. As in, his story has to make sense even if he makes it roundabout.

My kids are all really smart (they are 11, 8, and 6months) – Admittedly with the baby it’s pretty hard to tell, but she seems like she knows what’s going on – and I’m glad I had them. They gave me some much-needed unconditional love that had been missing from my life, and successfully raising them (so far, I realize it’s a bit early to expect them to move out and get jobs) has allowed me to earn some self confidence.

I think you deserve some credit for raising what sounds like great kids: you were at least there. They had to learn some of it from you. If all they learned is what appears to me to be a great perseverance it has helped them. And if their friends’ parents want to help out and provide space in their home; I say Hoorah and let them. I don’t let my son go to many of his friends’ houses because they are all from unsavory homes; my son is attracted to and becomes friends with broken things, kids, animals. It’s hard for him to make friends with people who are…not just normal, but who would make good decisions when left to their own devices. My 8yr old, on the other hand, carefully selects her friends based on their personality. She doesn’t fall into friendships, she develops relationships. It’s freaky.

Just listening and being there are the two most important factors in being a parent. I think that’s why your kids are doing so well.

I don’t have all the answers, but some days I’m more positive I have some of them, and that regardless, they’ll muddle through because of, or in spite of, me.

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