Reply To: Bad Day

[Wgreen]

Oh TBT, you’ve hit on one of my favorite ADD themes. In fact I think it was the topic of my very first post on this forum several yeas ago: ADD and love. (Caution: you’ve lit the fuse on a spectacular online fireworks display.)

There are of course two types of love: Eros/Dionysian love (emotional passion; often being more in love with love itself, or the relationship and how it makes us feel, than the beloved) and Agape (an act of the will; the ability to continue to “love” somebody when the passion fades——when you wake up in the morning and wonder what you’ve gotten yourself into.) People have written about this since people started writing. Sometimes other words have been used to describe it, but the distinction remains. Swiss philosopher Denis de Rougement examined it via the legend of Tristan and Iseult in his Love in the Western World. Rougement said that, certainly in the minds of our ancestors, “the Tristan myth operates whenever passion is dreamed of as an ideal instead of being feared as a malignant fever, whenever its fatal character is welcomed, invoked, or imagined as a magnificent and desirable disaster instead of simply a disaster.[…] It swoops upon powerless and ravished men and women to consume them in a pure flame. … [People] think it is stronger and more real than happiness, society, or morality.”

Well, suffice it to say, most people don’t buy that anymore. Eros is celebrated; passion reigns. We are told to be passionate about our work. Passionate about love. Passionate about our hobbies. Passionate about everything. Still, people who have lived life know that whatever passion is, it is not something we can control. We can’t help whom we fall in love with nor deny the indisputable fact that we often fall out of (erotic) love. We just know it happens. So what about agape?

This is where ADD poses the challenge. ADDers, because of their impulsive, Dionysian spirits, find our wills disabled to the extent that is almost impossible to undertake consistently the hard moral labor that love (agape) requires after the Beatrician moment evaporates. We simply cannot be steadfast in following the long road that committed relationship requires. The overwhelming power of impulses and charged emotions cast such a spell on us that our ability to fulfill love’s duties—including to love somebody for who they are, not for how they make us feel—is often compromised.

So, there it is. Is this universally true? Of course not. There are almost always exceptions to rules of the heart. But ADD poses an enormous danger for those who aspire to lifelong relationships. And I think it should be said that ADD impacts our ability to love ourselves as much as it impacts our ability to love others.

Frankly, I think anybody who knows—or suspects—his/her moral will is damaged should think twice about making promises to another that s/he most likely will not be able to keep. I think anybody who knows—or suspects—s/he has “issues” that will likely sabotage a healthy relationship should think seriously about inflicting those issues on another. At the very least, proceed cautiously. We should all take our ADD seriously. We should see if it can GENUINELY be gotten under control. We need to understand that a relationship is not just about “our passion.” It’s about “the other,” as well——our partners and potentially our children. We owe it to our spouses/partners to be the best partners we can be. We owe it to our children to be the best parents we can be. Ultimately, it’s a choice each of us has to make for him/herself. But it’s a choice that really needs to be made with agape.

I know the pat response is, “Nobody’s perfect, so get off your soapbox.” And that’s true. Nobody’s perfect. But the all-important questions still remain: Can I keep a lifelong commitment? Can I even hope to uphold my end of the bargain? Am I capable of taking on important responsibilities? Would I be more of a burden than a partner? If the answer to those questions is generally or probably “no,” then what to do? Say, “Screw it, I don’t care”? Too, let’s be careful not to exploit somebody else’s passion for us. Just because they may be willing to overlook our serious shortcomings now, what about seven tumultuous years from now?

That’s my one line and seven paragraphs’ worth.

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