Reply To: Bad Day

[sdwa]

Well, that’s a bit depressing.

I’ve been married for something like 22 years to someone who seems to like me (and is still here) despite my peculiarities and shortcomings. I’m completely baffled by it, but I like it.

I feel like a lousy life-partner and a bad parent. Knowing what I know now, despite the fact that I love my kids and think they are amazing, I don’t think becoming a mother was a great idea, because I’m just bad at it. There are a number of ways that I might be a crummy partner. But my spouse is an adult who’s been making the decision to stay with me for half our adult lives.

I am not much of a friend. It takes work to keep in touch with people, and to remember to do it, and to listen and really hear them. It’s a lot of work. It can be exhausting to just be in the presence of someone for a couple of hours. I do better with people when we communicate by correspondence, where I have time to understand and reflect. Face to face, in “real time” doesn’t usually work well, because I’m going to miss things, or just be overwhelmed by the interaction.

It is what it is. But it becomes a moral issue on the level of perception – that I didn’t show up, or I wasn’t listening, or I forgot something important, etc.

I hide who I really am from everyone – in social and professional situations, I just fake it until I can leave and relax. It’s all about concealment.

So much of what people say just sounds like noise.

It’s hard to have a relationship with ANYONE when the truth of who you are at your most basic level is wrong. A secret that has to be kept, because it if were known, there would be no room for you in the world.

It’s easier to just be alone. Except for all the ways that it isn’t.

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