It's not ALWAYS me!

[jancave]

I am newly diagnosed (on meds a month?) and 56 years old.  So much emotion, so much processing.  I don’t know who I am.  I dont’ have family or friends and now I know a lot the reason is the ADHD.  I remember so many relationships that ended with being told I was too much for the person to deal with.  The last time we spoke 12 years ago, my mother told me I was to blame for a lot of pain in her life.  So I suppose you can add in self-pity and overwhelm right now.  But tonight I’m so angry and need to vent.  I went to the grocery store for most specifically two items that were not grocery related; an empty spray bottle and a bottle of bug bite spray for itching.  I was home for a couple of hours and still couldn’t find those two items.  And getting angrier at myself for still losing things even on meds!  I looked everywhere normal. I looked all the not normal places, the freezer, the refrigerator, I tore through the car.   All the while scratching and with radio station in my head playing and telling me I am still stupid and still wasteful and still worthless and even medicated I’m incompetent.   I even pulled the receipt out of my purse and check to make sure I had not dreamed buying these items.  But there they were.  And there was the telephone number to the store so in desperation I called.  I told the person who answered about buying these two items and being unable to find them anywhere.  He said oh, the bagging person didn’t put them in your cart.  Just bring you’re receipt and you can go get them again.  I was so relieved that this time it wasn’t my fault it took a minute to grasp all he said.  I said wait, you mean pick up the bag at the counter.  No we put items away, you can go get them bring them to the desk.   These two items cost $10 plus tax and they just put them away.  By the time I got to the store, I adding up money and the time I spent finding them the first time and walked up to the counter and the man I had just spoken with smiled until that receipt hit the counter and I said I want my cash back.  He said well, you can just go the items.  I said, NO, you can go get them.  I got them the first time, you charged me and then kept them.  I have spent the last two hours looking for them.  And he ran off to get them.  A couple of older ladies came up behind me and I’m still upset and they ask if I’ve been helped.  And I said yes, and I’m sorry but I’m really upset….and told them the story.   And they were so very appropriately appalled for me….’how dare he treat you like that’.   I’m relieved it wasn’t my fault this time and happy I thought to call the store and not be pushed around.  And sad that my first thought it that it is my fault and usually I give up and buy another one….but this time I didn’t have another ten dollars.  Emotions are just bouncing everywhere.  I really appreciate having this place to vent.  I know there are a lot more important things, just tonight this was really important.

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[jojosephine]

Hi,

So the meds do work yay!! I am desperately waiting to try the meds!

I can totally relate. I walk around for hours of my day looking for my misplaced items. And I get so angry at myself for it. HOW could I be so stupid. I carry things around so I don’t forget to do something with it and I put them down all over the place.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.  It sounds to me like you have just formed a habit that you just need to break.  After all you have been blaming yourself for 56 years.

P.S. I barely have friends, my family is very distant and I ruined my mom’s life too.

Please let me know how the progress with the meds are.  Which one are you taking? How long was your diagnosis process?

Jo

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[jancave]

Hi Jo – thanks for the encouragement.  I’ve been thinking about things that are both ADHD and habits lately.  I’ve been watching all the webinars on here and they have been so helpful.  I also get migraines and have anxiety issues and then to find out about ADHD for a while was too much.  Big pity party for a while.  I’m always losing things and have five dog leashes I can never find, etc.  One day I bought this cute shelf with hook on it that I hung by the door and as I come and go I hang my keys, the dog’s collar and leash, my sunglasses and important mail goes on the little shelf.  I’ve wasted so much money but this little shelf saves me many times a day.

Diagnosis was either really fast or really long depending on perspective.  I had been seeing a psychiatrist for 18 years and he never noticed.  He treated depression, anxiety, the migraines and other assorted things.  I decided to try a new doctor and during our first conversation he asked if anyone had ever mentioned ADD and told me what he said that led him to mention it.  I said no, and that the anxiety was a bigger deal right now so let deal with that.  I really didn’t know anything about ADD.  I don’t have kids.   Shortly after that local PBS ran Rick’s ADD/ADHD documentary and like so many other people I sat stunned while I watched my life presented on PBS.   I went back to the new doctor the next time and told him about the PBS show and said I have ADHD.  And he smiled and said I know.  So the first doctor, 18 years and he never got it, second doctor, nine minutes.   I’m taking a generic version of Concerta.  My whole thought process is different and I’m still getting used to it.  On the meds, I’m more focused usually but it seems that on days like today which has been very stressful, I’m not so focused.  The doctor said there were other meds I could try.  I wanted stick with one for a while, I’m truly not sure what I’m supposed to feel like.  I still have the anxiety and take clorazepate for that.  It seems like the anxiety has increased but I don’t know if that’s because of the meds or my different cognitive processing or I’m just scared about all this.  In one of the videos I’ve watched it said that people who are diagnosed late in life develop a world in their head to cope with the reality around them.  The Concerta takes that world away and that’s scary to not have that anymore.  Things are so different and I don’t have that comforting place anymore.  I sit outside in the evenings to wind down from the day and that used to be calming.  But now I know that’s when the Concerta is wearing off so instead of feeling calmer my brain is firing up again and I’m not calmer.  I’m probably not a good source of how the meds are working because it’s all so new and I’m overwhelmed and I’m not even sure the Concerta is the medication I will stay with.  I know I don’t hold in things so much.  I told a former friend to f**k off this morning in an angry text exchange.  That’s not was never my style.

So thanks for the support and kind words and I wish you well on your journey.

Janice

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