I know parenting isn't all about me, but……..

[AbbyNormal]

……but as an ADD mom (married to non-shiny dad) raising our only kid, an ADHD son who is turning 16 on Tuesday who is so much like myself he can’t stand it, or me, now that he’s in the throes of teendom, I’m asking, “What’s in it for me?!?” (It’s funnier if you’ve seen Field of Dreams.)
He’s my only, and he won’t hug me, he won’t call me mom (he tries “hey!”, but I won’t answer), and he fires his frontal lobe when he’s stressed (finals are next week) by being annoying and emotionally hurtful to see what happens, like a 2-year old testing limits.
I know, I know- be consistent, enforce appropriate limits, don’t let everything get to me, let some stuff go, find ways to enjoy each other, let him grow up, don’t react, yesyesyes, I know all that- I’m an experienced special educator.

But have I told you I’m ADD myself?! 🙂 It’s much harder to maintain behaviorally sound reactions in your own home, with your own kid, with your own baggage to haul around. When he rejects my parenting in every way and acts like a jerk who would like to pretend I’m not here, I feel it to my very core and it breaks my heart, and makes me angry, because of our tendency to feel everything so strongly! This is what makes it so hard, this is what pushes my buttons and limits my patience, and this is what makes me want to either get a puppy to focus my attention on or lash back irrationally and take all his toys away or stand up for my right to be treated like I’m worth something to him even when he doesn’t need something from me by acting like I’m the same age and rejecting him in turn, just stop parenting him or doing anything for him altogether.
I’m seriously stuck in my anger that I deserve better than this! I have severe health issues and could’ve lost my life giving birth to him, and my kid pretty much hates me right now and the feeling is becoming mutual. I deserve a better life than this!
Like I said, irrational, I know.
But. It. Hurts.
And I’m not past this transition of expectation of how this was all going to go down. I didn’t think having a teen was going to be a cake walk, but I didn’t think it was going to feel this bad, either.
We’re both in counseling, every couple months, but between appts it gets better then it gets worse again and my own fricking brain gives me enough of a roller coaster ride!
I seriously don’t know how I’m going to make it through this without completely checking out of being a mom. That’s the honest truth and it’s a relief to type it out in black and white.
Go ahead, lemme have it, but be kind, if you can.

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[Scattybird]

Hi AbbyNormal – I won’t write much because I just realised I am using my iPad and my messages get lost sometimes when I use it.

I can’t offer advice because I don’t have kids, but I do remember being the same age as your son and having the stress of exams on top of all the angst that being 16 brings. At the time I didn’t know I had ADHD. I was horrible to my Mother at times. I loved her dearly but sometimes it probably didn’t seem like that. She got the brunt of my frustrations……of course she did, she was always there and a constant in my life, Mothers give unconditional love so I could be horrible and it would be OK.   I could get away with venting my frustrations at home because I wouldn’t get away with it elsewhere. Who knows what was really going on in my head but her patience got me through those years.

I do remember her telling me she hated my brother from the age of 12 until he got to ……well, quite old! My cousin is having similar issue to you with her son, he’s only 12. I watch him pushing the boundaries and being quite nasty with her and then he’s nice again. I think he likes the boundaries though, they give him something to rebel against. But he’s certainly giving his parents a really hard time. When my brother’s children went through that stage I used to threaten to bury them alive in the wood behind their house – it never helped but it made me feel better! 🙂

I think what you are experiencing is normal, but how you survive it I don’t know, particularly as you both have AD/HD. Any chance of having a grown up chat with him?

Sorry I can’t offer advice, but I just wanted to say we are out here and hear you. I know someone at work is also having similar issues and he doesn’t know what to do.

Stay calm, get a punch bag or something so you can vent your frustrations on that and not on him. He’ll turn out OK. My brother’s kids eventually did and they were horrible at that age. Staying sane for the next 10 years is the tricky bit.  Try mindfulness so you can be aware of how you feel about him without feeling the emotion. Difficult when it’s something so important.

Good luck and remember he’s just a kid – although 16 he’s probably more like 14 in the maturity stakes. Kids with mature bodies and immature minds are mixed up. I hated being that age – I was an adult right……nope!

 

 

 

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks ever so much, Scatty. What you wrote did help- It always helps to hear that others are going through similar difficulties, that I’m not the only one, and how you felt at that age.
I’m going to reread your note more than once, maybe even take a screenshot of it, LOL. I’ll definitely look into mindfulness, it’s a concept I’m unfamiliar with, but if it’ll help me detach from feeling and hurting everything so deeply, I think it could be transformative. Thanks again, you always help me!

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[kc5jck]

Raising kids is like being pecked to death by chickens.  My experience is that it should get better for you in about .  . .  (23-16) .  .  .   seven years.  Having comorbid aspergers can be a benefit during these years.

Just try to take it one day at a time, and sleep through as many of those as you can.  Scatty is right, the social/emotional maturity for a 16yo I would reckon at around 12.  It should catch up to his age in about ten or eleven years.

Any “tangible”  advice you get here will probably not do you a whole lot of good since each situation (kid) is unique, the rules change from day to day, and when things seem to start going well, it’s like the calm before the storm and all hell breaks loose into your life.  Sound familiar?

I know from your previous posts that you are a kind, caring, and thoughtful person.  These traits will serve you well.  And feel free to come back here for more of my bullsh*t advice or just to vent.  🙂

 

Oh, I forgot intelligent.  You’re intelligent ,too.

Imagine me forgetting that, you would think I had ADHD or something.

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks, kc, for giving me a giggle along with feeling understood!
On Facebook, I once shared a meme with the “pecked by chickens” concept, and all I got was an annoying remarks like, “I got lucky, my kids are awesome!”, after which I just about wanted to go postal, LOL. Love the “..sleep through as many days as you can.”, that met my daily needed allowance of sarcasm!
I do need to remember that his emotional maturity is well behind his age, that perspective does stir up some sympathy.
I know I’ve made mistakes in my parenting, who hasn’t, I know. But with us both being emotionally immature, these mistakes can cause ripples in the pond that stick around for a very long time. I never had any diagnosis or support for my ADHD growing up. So with the best of intentions to help my son like I never was, there are many ways I’ve tried to “help” and done quite the opposite, been overly focused on Showing (“This is the right way, this will be better”), rather than Supporting (“These are some choices, what would YOU like to try?”) When he’s not completely closed off we sometimes we talk about being more gracious with each other as we each try to do better as we learn more and know better. “If you really want someone to change, you’ll allow them room to do it gracefully.” So far, his anger muscles are bigger than his forgiveness muscles. I hope it isn’t too late for things to get better between us. Oh how I’d love to jump in the wayback machine and be less controlling, more empowering, less focused on “fixing” and more appreciative of his way of seeing the world. I wonder what it would be like now if I had been.

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[kc5jck]

@AbbyNormal

Well, I got lucky too, my kids are awesome.  It’s still like being pecked by chickens.

Once, I had to speak to the parents of my daughter’s classmates.  At one point, I said that some kids are like a toy train, you send them off, know where they are, when they’ll be back, etc.  (My daughter)  And others (my ADHD son) are like a RC model plane.  You have to watch them every second, don’t know where they’ll be next, and if you take your eyes off them, they’re upside down headed for the ground.  And sometimes, you just have to let them crash because it’s the only way they learn.

My son had typical ADHD problems and behavior.  Bad enough, but nothing from which could not be recovered.  College a bit of a (continuing) disaster.  About a year ago, he got a new girl friend.  I am at a loss for words to describe the change in him, how happy we are with her and her family, and they with him.  There is hope.  And as hard for me it is to believe it, she has ADHD too.  That Vyvance must work wonders.

I hope your son is so lucky.  In the mean time, hang in there.

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