Always secon-guessing

[stephjs]

Hi all,

I was recently diagnosed this summer after realizing that my forgetfulness and inability to concentrate was finally causing significant problems in my life… versus the thousand “little” problems I had created for myself before.

I have a sometimes very stressful job that I am getting good at and enjoy overall.  I am a “new” mom to my son who turns 2 in January.  The job, new baby and a long commute was too much and I knew I needed a change.  I was diagnosed by a psychologist. After seeing an MD for a while I decided to go to my husband’s psychiatrist who I trust and think would be able to prescribe more effectively.  (also, moved and kissed the commute goodbye!)

I’m currently taking 20mg of adderall twice a day, and 300 wellbutrin.  I am really glad that he suggested adding the wellbutrin, I had been feeling really down or anxious more often than not and I think it’s helped.  (He said 75% of his patients with ADHD/ADD take wellbutrin too, interesting..) Anyways, I don’t think the adderall is working anymore and he suggested trying Vyvanse.  At the time, I was on Aderrall XR and told him that maybe trying the immediate release would be better and he agreed to try that first before switching.  I don’t think it’s helping.  Getting over the side effects when I first starting took patience, feeling jittery which leads to feeling a little anxious.  That’s all gone now, but so is my focus…I think.  I was telling my husband, I don’t know what’s my “normal” and what’s supposed to help.  But when I think about it there are times earlier on where I thought, “yes this is working.”  So I’m guessing if I’m out here wondering what the hell is going on and ruminating about it.. it’s probably not.

Has anybody else felt this way before?  I felt this way about the whole diagnosing process too and still catch myself second guessing myself about that too, even though ALL SIGNS LEAD TO YES.  Because I am the one that discovered it, I sometimes fear that I imagined that I am and convinced others that I was, so I could have the medicine.  The rational part of me sees that I read and related so well to Delivered from Distraction, that I have a diagnosis from a trained professional, that my husband and close friends (that understand ADD) can all see it.  Yet, I still catch myself wondering occasionally.

Coming back around to the medicine.  I think the medicine has not been working for a while, I just wasn’t sure what medicines can “fix” and what they can’t.  I know the first time I took my prescription I was picking up around the house and my mind was so blissfully quiet.  I don’t feel like I have racing thoughts on a normal basis, but it’s almost like I overthink and have a running commentary of what’s happening or not happening or what I imagine to be happening and sometimes just want it to be quiet like before!  I guess, this has made me realize that I do need to call and ask to try Vyvance at this point.  (Tried Adderall in there and was really not a good fit with side effects and didnt help focus at all.  I think I’m at a high enough dose with this medicine that it should work if it was going to and that he doesnt want to keep increasing it so early on.)

Just wanting to here other peoples experience and if this sounds familiar to anyone.  My psychiatrist said that some patients state that without meds it feels like there is a radio static playing in their head and when they take meds it quiets that static.  I’m not sure I feel exactly that so much as the unproductive running inner monologue is quieted.  Which is strange too, cuz I didn’t really know that was there until the medicine worked when I first started taking it.

Thanks for reading and any replies,

Steph 🙂

 

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[stephjs]

This post got away from me and was longer than I intended. To boil it down, it would be helpful if people could share how they feel when meds have helped. How did you feel before? After? 🙂

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[kc5jck]

I read the book, and I too second guessed the diagnosis even though everything fit (the evidence is overwhelming) and was explained by ADHD.  Usually, when I thought back to how I was when I was pre and elementary school, I realize that, Yes the diagnosis is correct.

Get someone like your husband to assess your performance on and off Adderall.  You may not be able to self assess accurately.  Also, there are differences in brand name and generics.  Stick with what works.  You might also keep track of other things such as diet, work related stress, hormones, sleep issues, anything that might affect the way the medicine is working for you.

For some, taking meds is like lighting a fuse on a bottle rocket.  You want to make sure you are pointed in the right direction (ie “on task”) when it kicks in and not involved in some mindless distraction.

Keep reading, learning, and asking questions about ADHD.  Ultimately, you are in charge of your ADHD treatment and will have to determine which combination of meds, coping skills, life choices, etc. work best for you.

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[stephjs]

Thanks kc, for the advice and empowerment!

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[shutterbug55]

Yep. KC got it right. I take Adderall. 5mg in the morning and 5mg in the afternoon about 6hrs after the first. Such a small amount makes a HUGE difference. I don’t notice it, because my world always looks fine to me. Other people notice it, because the meds don’t help me perceive the world differently, they help me interact with it differently, so the way the world perceives me is way different.

If you want to find out whether or not the medications are working, all you have to do is ask those closest to you.

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[kc5jck]

Uh . . . maybe I should give adderall another try .  .  .  and ask my wife how it’s working.

 

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[kevinism]

Taking 30 mg of Vyvanse xr.  I’m new to this, but I did notice that the white noise in the background stopped or at least diminished. Yesterday was a particularly hectic and stressful work day and it felt like nothing was working.  I am able to work in my office with the lights off. That helps, but the pinball machine of thoughts came back and when someone would ask me a question that required a decision I stuttered and kind of froze – could not sort the pinballs to answer.  Otherwise, today was better.  My wife is my best gauge also.  The only thing that I am able to notice is the drop when it wears off.

Oh, I’m already on Wellbutrin as part of my bipolar cocktail.  So it gives me a bump in the morning and then I take Vyvanse about 10am to be sure I get past the end of my workday. I usually have an hour or two of work at night, but rarely seem to get to it. Too many interesting things to do.

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[seabassd]

One thing that I’m not really good at is “subtle”. I want everything to be “Pow!” “Bam!” “Zowee!” Everything sort-of needs to carry some emotional weight. This applies to my meds too. Every time I take them I’m expecting the ground to shake, and if it doesn’t, then I conclude it’s not working. What’s really going on is that I’m not very tuned in to “subtle”.  I HAVE ADJUSTED MY DOSE, AND CHANGED MEDS SO THAT IS A FACTOR TOO.

Another way I may judge if meds are working or not is by how much I’ve checked off my “to-do” list. So I’ve got this really big “to-do” list and I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off and all the time I’m saying…”These Meds. aren’t working!” “Damn these Meds.” What’s really going on is that I’ve created a list that would exhaust a “normal”. Another thing is that I look at the list and if everything isn’t checked off then I’ve failed and in my mind, the Meds have failed too. Now…I create a list while I’m laying in bed at night. I don’t get too detailed just jot down the things that come to mind. Then I go back and put a star next to two or three things that I believe are “top priority”. I can do other things on the list the next day, but the priority items are all I really have to complete, everything else is gravy. Regardless of others expectations, my priority items trump them all. I also remind myself that a list is a guide and it can be tweaked and adjusted throughout the day. If I don’t get done what I wanted to get done that day, then I make adjustments and take it into the next day.  Motivation by anxiety and should’s are a habit that I’ve used in the past to get me moving…they just don’t work for me on any consistent basis so I turn to my nightly planning to handle this.

As far as doubt goes, I think that’s normal. I don’t know about you, but I want absolutes in life. I want to know beyond a shadow of doubt that something is or isn’t. For me this comes from a past where I’ve jumped from one thing to another and then burned out and quit, or from being ridiculed by others for beliefs or actions that I had trouble defending. My mind finds it hard to give others the reasons when I’m being challenged. I just don’t want to be considered “flighty” or an “airhead” by others. Sooo…a bad adaptation to overcome this is to only do things that others will not debate me over. What I’m slowly learning is that I don’t have to defend or prove what I believe. I don’t even have to share this with others. There are aspects of our lives that we bond with others on and grow together, and then there are the very intimate aspects of what I need to do and believe for myself that bring me growth.  The reality is that most things in life are a matter of faith. Meaning they can’t always be understood, explained or painted in black and white all or nothing terms.

I’ve gone long…this post was unplanned and that’s o.k., now I just need to adjust and get back on track.

Thanks for reading this book I just wrote.

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[quizzical]

Long post – I tried to break it up with some white space, but it’s still too long. Posting it anyway because it feels good to write the thoughts down.

I was diagnosed…what, three years ago? (I honestly don’t remember) and I don’t think I will EVER stop second-guessing the diagnosis. Mainly because while hubby is a good resource for the “notice a change since the meds?” question (he usually says yes, but not always), after that I run out of candidates for feedback. I don’t want to ask my kids because it doesn’t seem fair to make them rate my performance as Mom. I don’t have a lot of close friends these days. Those people that I confide in the most, coincidentally,

The people who have known me the longest – my parents – I don’t dare tell. Their take on illnesses in general has always been either “it’s all in your head” or “tough it out.” And my father is a retired physician! The one time I floated the idea of my having ADD past my mother – before I was diagnosed – she attributed my long list of difficulties to the fact that I was simply a typical mother with three kids (as she had been).

She meant to be reassuring, but all it did was fill me with doubt and more confusion. Had she ever sent me to school with an empty sandwich? I don’t think so. But my son had the lovely experience of opening his sandwich box to find two plain slices of bread because I’d forgotten to put anything between them.

Perversely, it’s these kinds of stories I need to tell myself now and then so that I can trust my diagnosis and move forward. Otherwise the self-critic starts in with “Malingerer! Lazy butt! It’s all just an excuse for your lack of self-discipline! And for you to get some stimulants!” So it becomes this weird ironic game; in order to feel better about myself I have to go around looking for ways I’ve messed up that are above and beyond typical human screw-ups or typical busy-mom oopsies.

Obviously the ones that happened before I went on meds – like the sandwich incident – are best at convincing me my ADD is for real, but the sad truth is I still have plenty of ADD-style moments now.

What I usually decide is that the ADD moments are fewer, and it’s just that I’m more likely to notice the ones I do have thanks to the meds. (“Insight!” my doctor triumphantly pronounced at one of my med checks.). Sometimes I’ll look back at an oops moment and realize I actually caught myself mid-goof and thus prevented a worse one…as in, locking the door and realizing I forgot my phone. At least I thought of it in time to go back in and GET the phone. That’s an improvement. But of course at the moment it happens all I do is curse and kick myself for not thinking of it sooner still.

Sometimes the second-guessing seems endless. Am I too hard on myself now? Or did I seek ADD treatment because I was too hard on myself to begin with?

That’s part one – yikes! I’ve got more to say in Post #2.

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[quizzical]

OMG! There’s a big blank in the middle of Post #1! That’s because I got a phone call in the middle of editing it. Yes, I am ADD. I couldn’t ask for a more shining example of what I do all day long: look for the ADD moments, find them, build my case:

“Exhibit 1,236: Totally ADD Forum post under the heading of ‘Reply to: Always second-guessing.’ Observe, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the sentence that reads Those people that I confide in the most, coincidentally, and then stops at the comma…”

What I meant to say instead was: Those people that I confide in the most, coincidentally, are people who are probably undiagnosed ADD themselves.

And while I want them to consider getting evaluated, anything more than a friendly nudge seems overly confrontational: “We’re alike. I’m ADD. Do the diagram.” There’s no good way to say “You’re just like I was before I got treatment,” especially if the person thinks they’re doing just fine at life, thank you very much.

I want to lift a little piece out of seabassd’s message, because it fits where I am right now:
Another way I may judge if meds are working or not is by how much I’ve checked off my “to-do” list. So I’ve got this really big “to-do” list and I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off and all the time I’m saying…”These Meds. aren’t working!” “Damn these Meds.” What’s really going on is that I’ve created a list that would exhaust a “normal”.

That’s so very me ever since the meds. Before the meds, I probably had just as long a to-do list, but it was so much less fully formed in my conscious mind. Pre-diagnosis, I described myself as a Type Z personality: It was impossible to light a fire under my butt because my butt wouldn’t leave the chair even long enough to strike the match. Everything was chaos, but an insurmountable sort of chaos that led to a general resignation: “I’ll never get these papers filed, so might was well waste the entire afternoon on the internet.” Or writing blog entries that are worlds longer than these two posts put together. Or drawing fan fiction comics for my own amusement.

Then the kids got bigger, and stopped taking naps. They started school. I started to realize people were counting on me to get s**t done once in a while. That’s probably what led me to seek some answers to my inability to get my act together. That, and encountering all the other parents at school, who seemed to know what their schedules were, who knew what was next on the school calendar, who could find time to volunteer, could have my kids over for play dates without apologizing for the state of their house, who actually read the newsletters and papers that came home in their kids’ folders.

How did they DO that?

Anyway, the end result was diagnosis and meds. And ever since then, I’ve been the headless chicken, frantic because I have so much to DO, so much I WANT TO DO, so much I don’t want to do but want to be DONE, SO I HAVE TO DO IT, and it all has to be now, now, now, and it’s made all the harder because not only do I have to carve out time to stay on top of things, since I never had that habit – I also feel compelled to carve out even more time to catch up on all the things in life I neglected all those years. Cleaning up today’s messes, and yesterday’s.

That doesn’t leave much room for things like this; for sitting and writing and reflecting. And I miss it terribly. I want and need to write the long rambling blog entries sometimes, and I can’t find a way to make it happen. My husband’s suggestion was to take a set amount of time – like a half-hour – once or twice a week, but I don’t write that way. For me, writing demands bigger chunks. I’m just getting started 30 minutes in. And it doesn’t feel good, or satisfying, unless I do it the old type-Z way, all hyper-focused, butt in the chair, the fire going straight from head to fingers, no lower extremities involved. Just thousands of words, words I’ll read over later and think “damn – I’m long-winded, but I’m good!” Because I do like to write, and to read what I write. If nothing else it’s a great personal record. I’ve got a whole blog with hundreds of entries that I wrote before I joined this group. I only ever had about ten followers, but I never fail to crack up when I read it, and I feel like I’ve lost something in the transition to list-tackling responsible adult parent. A med holiday is out of the question because, alas, for me, going off them makes me feel like c**p. (Which, of course, just convinces me that I’m some sort of horrible speed addict.)

So, in summary: Yeah, I second-guess my ADD diagnosis a lot, too. I get more done on the meds. My husband and kids would rate their quality of life as “higher.” And I’d probably rate my own quality of life as higher, too.

But there’s a question I can’t shake: Why can’t “higher” mean something beyond “incredibly frustrating?” What do I have to do to get it to something approaching “satisfying?”

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[Scattybird]

quizzical – “She meant to be reassuring, but all it did was fill me with doubt and more confusion. Had she ever sent me to school with an empty sandwich?”

I don’t know if you meant that line to be funny but I thought it was hilarious.  It’s just so….ADD.

🙂

 

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