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Marriage SOS,
As a non-ADHD wife, married 35 years to an ADD husband, I can relate to a lot of what you said. And in many ways, the earlier years of our marriage were the most difficult. Under the best of circumstances, marriage is an adjustment. Season it with ADHD, and it’s even more of an adjustment. My husband was not diagnosed until our 8 year old daughter was tested. When she tested to have ADD, and the counselor spoke with us, we quickly learned that my husband had it too.
There were two huge things that helped immediately. First was to adjust our expectations and recognize both the strengths and weaknesses in each other. A seminar helped us work through some of that, as well as simple life experience and not sweating the small stuff.
Second, I can really relate to your reference to nagging. I never wanted to be perceived as a nag, but I often felt in a catch 22 if he, for example, forget his cell phone. Should he be angry at himself for forgetting the phone, or angry with me for reminding him to pick it up? At the seminar, they urged the ADHD family member(s) to “give permission” for the non-ADD member(s) to remind them of things. Once he gave me permission to remind him of things he identified as weak areas, I was no longer a nag, and he wasn’t as often troubled by not having it all together.
Finally, any marriage needs respect, humor, and identifying that line you don’t cross. Knowing that ADHDers can have anger issues, it’s even more important to identify that line, take it VERY seriously when the line is crossed, and act promptly with damage control when it happens. It’s also important to remember that ADHDers feel things deeply, and silence/sulking is your enemy. Calm conversation is a balm in any marriage.
I wish you and your bride the very best, and congratulate you both on researching ways to make your lives better.
Bless you
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