Fear the Diagnosis

[That Guy with ADHD]

I’m scared.

I’m scared that I know I have ADHD. When I didn’t know life was hard. But when you think you are a loser you can understand why you don’t amount to much and you don’t have to put any effort into mastering it. It just seems to come naturally. You disappoint people all the time and while your not okay with that you accept it for what it is. Life is understandable. It’s logical. It makes sense.

But now comes the ADHD diagnosis. It doesn’t promise a cure. What it does promise is that, if you are willing, it will take a lot of hard work over a long period of time and you will never be “normal”. Well, having been told your whole life that you are a loser it’s hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. That label blocks out any hope of success. I have so many challenges to overcome. I have to eat healthier.  I have to get active. I have to declutter. I look at everything I eat, do, and have and ask myself “Can I find a good source of unprocessed protein, an activity to get my heart rate up, an environment free of distractions that will let me function?”. More importantly, do I have the strength and energy to do it?

I had all of the energy needed to be a loser.

And the whole time I am struggling with the diagnosis people around me don’t know I have ADHD, or they don’t understand it, or they don’t believe in it. They still view me as a loser regardless so why put myself through all this effort? I’m likely to lose my wife of 21 years who is finally fed up with all the discord in our marriage.  I have already spent one week away from home because my depression is affecting my wife and kids so much. But I can’t afford to stay away and my siblings are not able or willing to help me out. In fact one brother told me to, and I quote, “Stand up and be a man” while my other brother who has also suffered from depression, sat there and said nothing.

I’m likely to lose my job, again, because I have been making mistakes and not working up to my potential. While I live in despair the thought of losing everything I consider valuable means I will at least be forced to declutter. A small consolation for the torture the diagnosis is putting me through. And, yes, the diagnosis is putting me through hell. Prior to knowing that I had ADHD I would have just said it was inevitable because losers never get anything good that lasts. And although it would have hurt I would have accepted it as my lot in life.  With the diagnosis I will have to admit to myself it’s my fault because I didn’t work hard enough to get it or keep it.

And now, to put a crown on top of it all, my physical health has decided to stop cooperating. Two trips to the emergency ward this week for supraventricular tachycardia has me even more anxious. It means more medication and worry. I already suffer from Hypersomnolence (like a chronic fatigue) which means I already have low energy levels to do everything I need and should be doing.

These days it is hard enough to put my shoes on in the morning and take those steps out to work. I’ve been hyper-focused on deciding how to live when the inevitable divorce finally comes through. I’m drawn to those Tiny houses people build. Small places are easier to keep decluttered (I think).  I can’t even think about the challenges behind having to get rid of stuff and move out first.

Lucky for you it is late and I’m tired or this rant may have gone on for pages. Is there life after a diagnosis? I mean a real life with sunshine and rainbows? Maybe even a few lollipops?

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