In a relationship with someone in denial

[Anonymous]

I am in a relationship with a 39 year old who is soooo ADD and he doesn’t see it. I am a teacher and see this classic symptoms in my boyfriend that i see in my 10 year olds….hmmmm…. his issue is more of the attention issues, never really seems like he is listening to me or HEARS what I say, changes the subject all the time…. I want to pull my hair out…. I don’t know if I can’ stay in this relationship if he isn’t willing to admit it and get a diagnosis……. i feel like he is one of my students and that is frustrating!!!!!…. any advice would be very helpful…….

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[Anonymous]

I am 47 and my wife had been telling me for years that I was ADD. It was not until I came to this website and watched all of the videos and did the virtual test that I realised that I needed to talk to a doctor and go from there. My behaviours have impacted greatly on my relationship. If I was you I would simply try some of the strategies that are suggested on your partner. Try them out and see if they make a difference. All the best. Cheers Brian

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[Ivriniel]

Jacob: One thing you need to understand is, ADHDers have spent most of our lives trying to hide our difficulties from other people. This can make it very difficult to admit that something is wrong

Instead of trying to get your boyfriend to go in and get a diagnosis, perhaps you should pick the one symptom that bothers you the most, and talk to him about it? Make the discussion a problem-solving session, rather than a blaming session, say things like “I noticed that you have trouble with x. What can we do to make that easier on the both of us?”

Focus on the behaviours that are bothering you, rather than trying to diagnose your boyfriend for now.

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[Anonymous]

Interesting…Jacob. Have you delved into what they call ADD? I for one have a problem with the label and the diagnosis thing. I have found that because there are different ways for brains to process…. linear/compartmentalization vs. random/visualization and different personality characteristics associated with those process(s) …..the linear world has come up with the term ADD to define it. I was diagnosed over 30 years ago…why…. because I was curious as to why I was different than other people?? I have made a study of this difference for the past 30 years. I was a Psych Major going to university at night all through my career. I’m retired now.

Here is what I find…..the vast majority of the world is linear, and a small minority (redundant) is random!!! It was the linear world that decided those definitions or catagories!!! Some people find the difference(s) a hardship, on both sides of the fence. Because there are behavior and processing(s) that are not the same as the majority of the world, the world can be a tremendous source of anxiety for the rest of us. This different behavior can be medicated away in some instances and those folks sometimes find relief from the rest of the world and a reduction in their anxiety., but is that right? I don’t know??? Not for me to judge….I’m just sharing.

The ADD world is quite different…different from the linear world but it is only Different not Less….. Myself, I associate what people call ADD as a gift. I love the way my brain works, I love the fact that I can see and understand things that the linear world struggles with everyday….many of these things I understand immediately. The fact that it takes a linear brained person so long to communicate a thought or a concept…. which I understand after only a few words or immediately….so I wait for them to finish speaking…that at times I drift slightly is humorous.

If you are interested in who your partner is….you might ask your partner a few simple questions.

– Do they know what your going to say almost immediately as soon as you start to speak??

– Do they tire of waiting for you to finish your thought…they have already finished it?

– Are they already on to the next thought?

– Do they think in terms of concepts and linkages.

– Do they think you have missed the point before your finished speaking???

– Do they grasp “what could be better” very quickly??

Remember the so called ADD brain is not slow….the opposite is true…..it works very very very quickly…. it also works in a very random manner. Linear people have categories for everything like pigeon holes for things they have processed it is very organized. The ADD brain has everything but it’s out on the floor and the ADD brain sees everything all at once, and sees the relationships therein as well. The permutations and combinations are all present all the time. That is why they can see things so clearly so quickly….they race without effort to the logical conclusion.

The hyper activity (tapping, knee bouncing) can come from the fast working brain….the thoughts, ideas and possibilities that come very rapidly or are ever present. This processing can be misinterpreted as many things.

Remember it is the random thought brain, and people of that nature that change the world, we bring the new, the innovative, the change to the table. We are not the accountants we are not the people who mind the day to running of the world……we are those other people, the people out on the edge. Remember “the edge” is where the “magic” is!!! The people who make change in all the aspects are generally what people label ADD types. So if you have one of these for a partner it can be very exciting and a lot of fun, also frustrating. It may be worth the trip into the ADD head and see what gifts are there……….. One of the largest hurdles is communication….sure same language….. same gestures…all seems the same but hmmmm something doesn’t sit right….well it’s because….after that we are totally different….. not incompatible always but different.

If there is one thing I hope people can take away is…. Different not Less…..

Just my thoughts….oh by the way…..I’ve been married to the same linear person for 35 years…..been there done that.

Toofat

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[Anonymous]

toofat, everything i”ve read that you”ve posted has affected me!! My husband is ADD and so much of what you”ve written has described him. I no longer feel alone in the journey! today for the first time i don’t feel hurt or “jabbed” at. I understand his behavior now and although he is not willing to face it at this point,i believe I can accept it easier.

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[Anonymous]

I too see the world differently knowing I have ADD. It is very hard to have a relatonship with someone, especially someone with a different disorder. While ADDers see the world from a different perspective (ie..very artistic, super intelligent, creative) we have a hard time dealing with the most mundane tasks which frustrates and annoys partners. I leave my clothes in folded piles which seems normal for me, but drives my spouse crazy!! I have the most disorganized desk, but I know I like it that way–even if it drives me crazy to look for something on it!!!

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[Anonymous]

It’s important to have a discussion with your boyfriend, even if you only ask him to answer to yes or no to your questions to keep him tuned in. But you shouldnt make it out like it’s a disorder and he is defective. Some people will be in denial and not accept this and have a total close mindedness on what you have to say.

Suggest him the videos you find here, or at least, ask him to wach them with you. As a sign of aknowledgment towards you. If he respects you and your relationship he will at least put in the first step of effort on this…regardless of ADD or not. Just remember not to make it a “I told you so” moment and just let it sink in, let him dwell on it and see if what he saw hit home.

It also helps to keep conversations simple, not on a intelectual standpoint but, if you think he is ADD. There is no use going on for hours on what happened to your friend the other day and bla bla bla….get to the point. Dont be a nag, lol, no one will listen then (sarcasm)

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