Officially diagnosed, awaiting meds.

[Geoduck]

So, here I am, 39, and finally getting around to actively addressing the ADD.

Growing up, my ADD was overshadowed by my brother’s horrible extreme ADHD. So I was left undiagnosed. Although, talking to my mom, she knew. She just didn’t have the resources or the energy left to deal with it. There were 10 of us, so I just can’t blame her. She did talk to my teachers about me needing extra time, or the day dreaming. She did the best she could, and after 3 of my own, I’m just not into blaming my parents.

In college, I learned about ADD and tried to get a proper diagnosis. The psychiatrist I saw told me that she refused to diagnose people for it because it was over-diagnosed. So I was diagnosed with depression (can you smell the hypocrisy, or is that just me) and prescribed Paxil, the drug from hell. Insurance only goes so far, and with college loans looming, I chose to leave her services after being weaned off of the drug. I still felt like I had ADD, but since I had graduated college by the skin of my teeth, felt like it was less of an issue. I also just felt like there wasn’t any real help out there for me, and didn’t look for it anymore.

By some act of God, I met my husband, the most patient man in America, married, suffered two horrendous jobs (I’m sure due somewhat to the ADD), eventually got pregnant, then quit to stay at home.

After my second child, I started a local chapter of a parenting support group for hippie minded parents like myself, through a larger organization. The reading list that was given by the organization had Dr. Sears’ book “The ADD Book.” I got it through the library and read that sucker (although it was hard to get through. It’s strange that a book called “The ADD Book” has all these sidebars that are totally distracting). “The ADD Book” not only confirmed my suspicions, but everything in it fit myself, my diagnosed brother, my undiagnosed little brother, and my father, who is the ADHD poster boy/king! My eyes were opened! Everything fit! I found my people!!! Unfortunately, though, I still did not seek help.

After my third daughter was born, I developed severe post-partum depression. I started seeing a social worker for counseling, and my midwife put me on another anti-depressant, that probably saved my life. The counselor did agree that I had ADD, but really didn’t do any testing or anything like that. Now I’m thinking that the anti-depressants probably also addressed the ADD, anyway. I came off of those a few years back, and things were less stressful, and my ADD wasn’t really getting me into trouble. I figured I’d get around to talking to a doctor about it, but wasn’t sure about the meds, still. Yes, I know, stupid, considering I was on anti-depressants, twice now.

I then met a woman who said she was being treated for ADD/HD, and took the meds, then went off of them because they made her feel like a zombie. She said they totally changed her personality. This had an influence on me getting help, too. I really like my weird quirks and sense of humor. I didn’t want to lose it.

I recently saw the PBS video, “ADD and Loving It!” What sold me on finally getting things checked out was that there was a lady talking about meds, and how they don’t suppress your personality, but actually allow you to let your creativity out. There was a doctor who talked about how if you felt like a zombie, you’re probably taking the wrong dosage or the wrong meds. The reasurrance was there for me to start thinking about getting help again.

I emailed the guys at this website that produced the video, and they encouraged me to find help. Okay, so I decided to find help. Then my ADD kicked in, and I put it off. Well, then life got very difficult. This last Fall just sucked. Not only did I have a cancer scare, but suffered the death of a close friend. I also started suffering bouts of severe vertigo, that are still occurring and still a mystery (ears and brain are nice and clean…I have cool brain pictures). Other things just piled up, all on top of that. I am one stressed out little puppy.

The ADD got worse. MUCH worse. I didn’t know it could do that, but it gets worse. It has gotten so bad that, due to my crappy social behaviors, and inattention to detail, friends are dropping left and right. I don’t even like myself, anymore!

My physician has had brochures in his office for awhile about ADD. I went to him on Tuesday, and he talked to me about it. He was really great. After a short survey (similar to the one on this site) and my long story, he prescribed Adderall. He encouraged me to make lists and continue using my calendar programs on my ipod and computer. He really wanted me to understand the the medication was just one tool out of many. I needed to use medication in addition to the other tools, like the calendar stuff I was doing, and diet and exercise.

All this was great, but evidently, the stupid college kids abuse adderall and it’s a class 2 drug. So I looked up Adderall. It’s amphetamine, which explains the college kids’ attraction to it. Evidently, coffee is too good for these idiots, and they use add drugs to stay up all night. The pharmacist has to have insurance approval first, before letting me go home with it. I’m still waiting for it.

I was getting worried again. I started thinking about whether or not I needed meds. Then the bottom truly fell out, yesterday, when, due to my inattention, I accidentally forwarded an email to several people and lost a friend over it. On top of that, I lost my keys, lost a check, a Girl Scout form, was 15 minutes late to everything, even though I had padded for time, forgot my daughter’s soccer practice altogether, and generally exhibited all the ADHD symptoms one can exhibit in one day. Whew! All that was despite using my calendar, by the way. However, this all just made me realize that I need meds, and that I made the right decision by finally talking to my doctor.

I like my ADD. I’ve learned to be buddies with it. I’ve always appreciated that it made me a unique, quirky, and spontaneous individual. But this totally sucks now. I can’t stand myself, I can’t keep losing friends, I hate the oversensitivity to criticism, the forgetfulness, the temper issues, the lack of ability to pay attention to even my own kids. My house is a wreck, which really just reflects how I’m feeling, I’m sure. I’m not in a great place as far as self esteem goes. I just hope the insurance comes through soon. I can’t stand myself at all. I know this isn’t going to be a miracle drug. I am totally dedicated to doing the other things I need to do, and I don’t want to be on them forever, but it’s got to help a little, right?

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[Geoduck]

update: Meds are in! Thank God!!! Also, my friend is just starting her meds. She’s just a smidge older than me. Glad to have someone close to share the journey with. Thank you for this site!!! A true blessing!

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