Angry? Hell ,I'm Pissed!

[Anonymous]

I’m 41 recently diagnosed with an EPIC case of ADHD ( my doctors words) and living with my girl friend ( also ADHD) and my parents. My mother also has ADHD. So not the calmest of households. Ever since I was a kid I was “nervous” and ” different”. My mother was always creating chaos on her own and so I feel like I had to deal with a double dose of ADHD growing up with absolutely no tools or guidance to deal with it. I started out a cute, sensitive, inquisitive, creative and loving child. At 41 I’m not so cute, I’m over sensitive, could care less what you think and my creativity seems like a tease. I feel like Burgess Meredith at the end of that Twilight Zone episode. All these books and nothing but broken glasses to peer out of. As for being loving, I love but I am not the nicest man. How cruel this disorder can be. I was born this way, couldn’t have done things differently with what cards I was dealt, and yet I will still have to apologize for all my past discretions. Knowing ADHD is the reason HAS HELPED. But it’s working against me as well. People think that just by knowing I am abnormal I can just “act normal” now . Hey I know Charlie Parker was a genius, It doesn’t mean I can just go blow a perfect rendition of Ornithology. But if I practice real hard, you might know what song I was playing, if you listen real hard. So, Angry? Hell, I am Pissed Off! I didn’t mean for my life to be in shambles, surrounded by clutter and cloaked in confusion. I just ended up this way. Thanks ADHD!

REPORT ABUSE

[agnoscet]

Be easy on yourself. Like grief, this is gonna take some time. You didn’t mention whether you were taking meds.

I didn’t get axle wrapped about the missed opportunities in my life until I’d started Concerta, began to think in an organized linear manner about things, and generally discover what a mess my life HAD been. Sometimes you just grab the bootlaces and pull.

You’re doing fine, give yourself some of the understanding you now know you lacked, and go from here. The fact that you state you’re pissed tells me you are of a mind to deal with it. Good for you!

I guess we play the hands we’re dealt. I wish you the best. Chin up, stiff upper, all that. And Happy Easter too.

Please forgive yourself and others. It is the path to moving on… and the wisdom of the ages.

REPORT ABUSE

[Wgreen]

Caravaggio!

I mainly wanted to congratulate you on a brilliantly apt handle for an angry ADHD sufferer. The great Italian artist was brilliant but tormented. He was a compulsive gambler and had a terrible temper. Maybe he was ADHD himself. Actually, I’d bet a dollar he was. In any event, he had to get out of Rome in a hurry when he got mad and killed a man in a brawl (turns out he also was an accomplished swordsman). He fled to Naples, then Malta, where his temper got him into trouble again. In 1610, at 36, he died of an illness (malaria?) on a beach near Naples, trying to make his way back to Rome. So Caravaggio II, if you’re 41, you’re living on borrowed time.

ADHD can be nasty stuff. If your life is in shambles, you’re not its first casualty. It may not make you feel any better, but this forum is full of stories of spectacular dysfunction. One sordid tale after another. I think ADD/ADHD is a cancer of the soul. Others here disagree. I think it’s very difficult for ADD/ADHD people to love other people or themselves. Others here disagree. The fact is, we don’t agree on a lot of things. But there does seem to be a consensus that ADHD makes life extremely difficult—for you and your family. There are meds you can try. Maybe they’ll help. Maybe not. But you need to work on the anger; it just takes up a lot of room in your psyche, and it doesn’t pay rent. Besides, we don’t want you to end up like up like Caravaggio I.

So what happened to Burgess Meredith in that Twilight Zone episode? It’s been a long time…

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

All Burgess wanted to do was to be left ALONE with his books. His wish was granted in the form of nuclear (possibly atomic) Armageddon but his reading glasses fell off his face and break rendering him unable to read the books he was surrounded by. FYI my favorite painting by Caravaggio is his ” Death of the Virgin” which depicts the death of Mary but his model was a dead hooker. 😈

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I am on meds, Adderall to be specific.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

“Nothing makes one feel so strong as a call for help”. I feel that your post was a call for help. Your life has been a train wreck for so many years you have lost sight of who you are. What you are is not ADHD! You are not ADHD with a body, but a man with ADHD. I can tell you that having finally found out what has caused you to be the way you are, is the beginning of the healing process. You said it yourself “knowing that ADHD is the reason has helped”. Now take all the energy that went into your post and channel it into making your life a better place to live.

We have a lot in common Caravaggio, I to have lived a life full of pain and shame. In school, I was the class clown trying to hide my problem. As an adult, I learned that I could also hide from my problem by being a “work-a-holic” I learned to take that “hyper focus” part of ADD and use it to hide behind. I past the ADHD genes to my son. I got to watch him struggle in school and know all the while I was the one who had done that to him. My wife did help him as much as she could. He was taken to Child psychologists. He was put on the meds. She helped him with his organization skills, she did everything to help that boy. I on the other hand I was disconnected and absent, even though I lived in the same house. I did not embrace my ADD. Now my sons in prison, my wife of 32 years has left and I’m alone.

You have all the tools to change your life for the better. Use them. Please don’t think that adderall is the cure. It’s just one of the tools you have available to you. Their is a world of information and support here, make good use of it.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me”. Good luck

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

fireguy, thanks for the post. Clearly, I don’t think of Adderall as the cure.It is just helping me wade through the bullshit. sounds like your son and I may have some stuff in common. I, too, have been incarcerated because of who I and my mom are. I did what I did, but she is not without blame. It’s tough, but I still love her, and understand her like no one else does. Too bad she won’t see that. And guys, thanks for the input, I AM ANGRY, but re read my post, I am hopeful , too.(” But if I practice real hard, you might know what song I was playing, if you listen real hard.” )I think it is really important for ME to embrace my anger, so I can understand it, and when it’s time let it go just like I am letting go of all the other crutches I have used (i.e. pot, sex and alcohol) . And the reason I posted was because I noticed no one else had posted under the listing ANGRY. I believe we all are, somebody just needed to go first.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Oh, and on that last note, WGREEN, dude, you are also clearly angry ( i have read your other posts) , sounds like we both need to work on it. Anger manifests itself in the weirdest and most subtle of ways.” Cancer of the soul”? No, only our thinking makes it so.Our condition is a gift, just like the 5 speed cruiser I got when I was 14. It may try to drag me into its teeth, pants cuff first from time to time, but if I just tuck my cuff in and secure it with a rubber band I took off the asparagus, it take me anywhere I want to go, sometimes (unfortunately )by getting lost first or forgetting what the destination was in the first place.I get that it’s rough, and I believe we have every right to be angry, but we also have every right to be happy. ADHD is something I could totally do without. I didn’t NEED that cruiser, but it was the only way I could get around in the world because walking was TOO SLOW and the bus involved dealing with people. Now that I am older, I have a car, which is just a bike with more wheels and faster way to get lost. But I love it, nonetheless. Because it’s MY CAR. Dents and fucked up electrical system and all.

REPORT ABUSE

[cakat01]

I was angry too for awhile. I’m also recently diagnosed after working on helping my son with his ADD. I’m 42 and on medication, which made me realize how much of my life I had slept through. I was angry about how hard everything had been, although I would have never known that without the medication. The ADHD explains so much of my life…why I get bored so easily, change jobs, issues dealing with people, etc. I could go on and on. There are some wonderful things about it, but none of them seem to be honored in today’s society. (Another reason to be mad.)

REPORT ABUSE

[Wgreen]

Angry? Moi? Not so much. Frustrated? Sure. Dispirited? Often. But angry? Only when I do something REALLY stupid.

And I don’t know why people react so strongly to the “cancer of the soul” comment. It derives from a definition of ADD offered by Thomas Trilling, son of the famous New York critic Lionel Trilling. In an extremely well-researched and compelling article about ADD in the American Scholar (the best piece for laymen I’ve ever read on the subject), he defined the disorder as “a neurological (or physical) impairment of the moral will.” That assessment rings true to me. It certainly speaks to my condition. It seems to me that Trilling’s definition and mine are roughly analogous. Now, you may not agree with the premise. Fine. But I can tell you that if you read enough posts on this site, you’ll see that I’ve got plenty of evidence on my side. There are many, many people here who, because of their own impulsive and/or compulsive behavior(s), find themselves in a personal hell.

In any event, it’s not a rant. It’s an observation.

REPORT ABUSE

[Wgreen]

P.S. Ah, what have we here? Just across the hall, on another topic page, a recent post from a woman in or from New Zealand (I presume). She calls herself “blondeADDkiwi”:

“[…] I hate being this way. ” she says. “Just out of the blue something will annoy me or “set me off.” I can’t control how I feel. I hate being this way. I just want to get on with life instead of pacing and procrastinating about starting or getting a job done. It’s soul destroying!! “

That pesky soul. It appears I’m not the only one who can’t get it to fire on all cylinders. And while we could have an online food fight over what a “soul” is—or if it even exists, can we stipulate that there is an elemental part of the human psyche that makes us unique as a species, a place within where our wills and urges collide, a place from where love, hope, and dignity emanate?

ADD/ADHD, as manifested in many of us, eats away at that “place” every day. Use whatever words you want, but watching in horror as our very humanity comes under constant assault is what we’re talking about.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I hear you cakat01! and Hey, again Wgreen,

I will definitely have to read “blondeADDkiwi”‘s post. “Just out of the blue something will annoy me or “set me off.” I can’t control how I feel. I hate being this way. I just want to get on with life instead of pacing and procrastinating about starting or getting a job done. It’s soul destroying!! ” I know just how she feels. And “he defined the disorder as “a neurological (or physical) impairment of the moral will.” That assessment rings true to me. It certainly speaks to my condition.” Thank You, Brother for the quote and the info. I have to agree with Mr. Trilling and you on that point. It certainly speaks to my condition, too. and I don’t care if you are the layman son of a famous critic ( and wit). Hell, I don’t even care if you are a psychiatrist or a raving lunatic ( no oxymoron jokes please.) Truth is Truth as far as I know. And so far, all ADHD treatments that offer some or complete relief relied heavily on anecdotal evidence and still do. But, while I do empathize with Miss Kiwi and everyone of us that is suffering just like her, I don’t believe that ” cancer of the soul” is analogous with “a neurological (or physical) impairment of the moral will.” Not at all. “Cancer of the soul” is kinda hyperbolic, isn’t it? All of us with ADHD SUFFER from it,no doubt. All of us, to varying degrees, varying circumstances and at different times in our lives have wished someone or something would please, please, for the love of God, help us!

But most of us would agree that cancer is a disease with no upside only mutilation and death. ADHD is a disorder that, from what I’ve seen and read has many more upsides to it than down. In my experience we are far more empathetic, creative and down to earth than your non ADDer’s . And amazingly tolerant of differences ( if not interruptions) as it seems we tend to only hold grudges with ourselves.

My moral will is definitely impaired, but my moral compass is fine, when I can find the damned thing! And my soul can’t be tarnished by things I can’t control. And while my soul has never been “pesky” my conscience often is as well as my monkey mind. Pesky and downright mean spirited.

I’m pissed and definitely bewildered by the fact that I have so much compassion in me and am so concerned with the needs of others, yet I still thoughtlessly hurt others. I HATE that I can look right at you in a quiet room and not hear a single f-ing word you’re saying and then later argue with you over what you said. I’m bummed that just like I’ve often done, most of you probably have stopped reading this post because it’s more than 5 snappy sentences long and yet I will still probably resent you for it. It hurts. Each mistake adds another brick to a load I’m always carrying around with me. It often seems like every mistake I have ever made is weighing on my mind. And then my sense of humor kicks in (another trait we excel at) and lightens the load. A sense of humor that is based entirely on my ADHD experiences.

It’s a carrot or stick type of proposition, friends. We all get beaten by ADHD in the beginning because all we see is the confusion, the pain. And, yet, just like those sunglasses you’ve been looking for for what seems like forever, the GOOD STUFF has always been right there, you’ve been wearing them the whole time.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer laughter to tears, thinking outside the box to being trapped in it. We should all accept and allow our anger, we earned it. And we earned our happiness, too, no matter what our crimes may be.

Some of us who were diagnosed as adults or didn’t seek help until then may find the last line of this post an outright lie or only partially true, but it is neither.

ADHD may never be cured and that doesn’t HAVE to be a bad thing.

REPORT ABUSE

[Wgreen]

Good luck.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Oh God, I’m so happy to have found this conversation! I’ve just started to realize how ANGRY I am that I’ve had this thing and what it’s done to me and all those I’ve held dear. Not angry today at things, no explosions – just a fury at the past.

41, Caravaggio? A mere infant. I was just diagnosed at 68! And no, I’m not a doddering, drooling, senility. I’ve got a good 20 years to go (my parents’ age when they died). And I’m in as good shape physically and mentally as I’ve ever been. I own a great little company here in Thailand – selling super little bikes to toddlers – with some really great young Thai employees.

And I look back at all the jobs, all the women, all the homes I’ve lived in (lost count for all of those somewhere in the 20-30s), the children (two gorgeous, successful, happy, daughters) I’ve hurt, the bankruptcy, and all the rest – which I know you all can relate to – and I’m just FURIOUS.

But back when, no one KNEW! And I – and none of my psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, or dear people in my life did either. Besides, ADHD was for little kids, wasn’t it? Why should we be looking there for an explanation? So let’s try to treat everything else: depression, bipolar, temporal lobe epilepsy, borderline personality disorder, and on and on. Nothing worked! Guess, I was just a lazy underachiever! (Who scored almost 1600 on his SATs and went to MIT! Where I almost failed out.)

So yeah, I’m trying to come to terms with it – and knowing (again) that I’m not alone is very comforting. We’re a very exclusive group – so finding the tribal tent can be daunting sometimes.

Anyway, bless all of you – my deepest empathies.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

People can’t accept the difference. There’s a nice interview with Marilyn Manson on Bowling for Columbine where he pretty much spells it out (and how that is what made him famous… and hey, look at Lady Gaga!). Sure, others, wiser, have said it best, but he is very didactic.

I’m not pissed off about me and my ADHD. Yes, I hate being ticked off by anything and not having a hold on my emotions. I’m already a woman and I don’t need lack of impulse control added to that, ty very much. The thing that pisses me off is that I need to be approved by my fellow Vogons.

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts