What can be changed – and what can't be changed?

[sdwa]

The hard part for me is not only recognizing the challenges that result from ADD, but not knowing if there is a work-around. At what point do you give up and say, “I’ll never be able to…” (fill in the blank: “be on time,” “control my moods,” “tolerate crowds” – or whatever) – ? Or do you go on and on looking for strategies because you continue to believe you will find one that works?

The more I know about how ADD affects my brain, the better able I am to accept myself and my lack of achievement and lack of direction. But why are some ADDers so successful, when I can barely get dressed in the morning?

How do you recognize your strengths? And what if your strengths can’t, anywhere in the known universe, help pay the bills?

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Greetings: One of the ways to identify a strength is to think about what we actually do to occupy ourselves with when we are avoiding things we should be doing. For me, I may find myself designing a cross stitch bookmark when I really should be vacuuming the floor. It’s a procrastination, but it also let’s me know what I really like to do and where I would like to develop a talent. Needlework won’t make someone a lot of money, but it can start someone brainstorming about how To weave that interest into a career. Maybe I could get a job in a craft shop, start some kind of blog for bookmark designers, etc.

Identify your Passion and your strength will be it’s neighbor.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Oooops. Punctuation must not be my passion! The post should read:

Find your passion and your strength will be its neighbor. (not it’s).

REPORT ABUSE

[nellie]

I find the key to achieving anything is to be able to recognize not only the goal ( as in thing you want to achieve) but why you want it in the first place. It took a lot of work, but once I was able to identify my core values, then I was able to attach all of my other actions to them. It works for the simpler aspects, such as say why bother doing laundry or pay bills on time, to more complex issues like deciding on how much time you spend volunteering or should you spend time working on a client project when the weather outside is beckoning you to the golf course! By way of example, one of my values is harmony in my life at all costs. So while I truly hate doing laundry – having it piled to the ceilings ( and trust me it’s been there!) would really be counter productive to my need for harmony in my living space. As would having my phone service cut off so I’d rather keep track of due dates in my agenda! While I often have to remind myself of this when tempted to something more fun, it far easier to make a better choice.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

My younger sister once got me a card that said the in order to build a mountain, you must only start with one stone. I think that part of the stress that comes with changing your habits is that most of us were diagnosed pretty late in life, our ‘bad’ habits seem to be so deeply ingrained, that when we see how ADD/ADHD affects it all, it’s a little overwhelming because we’re looking at our ENTIRE LIVES and it’s like “Yikes, where do I start?!” At work, I have intentionally decided to do my least favorite ‘jobs’ first in the morning, that way, the rest of my day being stress free is a ‘treat’ for me. When I get home, I kind of do the same thing because I know that once I sit down and get wrapped up in something, the dishes won’t get done, the litterbox won’t get cleaned up, etc. There are still days when I slack and my prioritizing still leaves a lot to be desired, but I have to agree with Nellie about the concept of “harmony”. I try to really be concious of how I feel when I’ve done the things that I’m supposed to do and how horrible I feel when I slack. I am currently in the midst of a crisis because I didn’t get my plates renewed and got pulled over, so I tell myself “Aren’t you TIRED of feeling this way?”

There are things that I’ve accepted won’t change. I will NEVER feel comfortable in crowds so I arrange my life around that. Not only is the anxiety debilitating to me, it’s a struggle for anyone who is around me who has to deal with my lashing out and complete and utter neurosis. Most of the people who are closest to me are aware of my fear of large crowds and are very understanding if I beg off of an event. If a crowd can’t be avoided, I just prepare myself for it before hand. Sometimes it works, other times, I look for a beer stand or a place to take a deep breath!

I’ve also learned that tearing yourself down does NO GOOD. When you have a negative thought about why you didn’t get something done (I’m lazy, I’m a slacker, that’s so dumb), really think about why you feel that way. Don’t try to erase the thought, just sit down and understand why you INSTANTLY went ‘there’ with your thought process. For most of us it’s because of what you’ve been told, the box you’ve been put in because of your ADD. Yes, I read self help books! Honestly, I read anything and everything that helps my brain keep spinning into the negative. We can spend so much time beating ourselves up that even THAT will get in the way of us doing the things that we need to do. And remember, you’re doing something right because I’m sure that you get dressed more times than you don’t

REPORT ABUSE

[Bibliophile]

Also, don’t compare yourself with other ADHD people. Remember that there is quite varying levels of impairment between different people diagnosed as ADHD. For example, I marvel at anyone who can learn a musical instrument as I cannot stick with something long enough to come close to mastering one (Malcolm Gladwell states in Outliers that you need 10,000 hours) or even getting good. Many of us also have comorbid conditions, which makes matters that much worse. I think that I have noticed a difference in abilities to achieve based on statements from the website of those that identify themselves as inattentive only and those that are combined type, with the latter seeming to be the underachievers as adults.

Figure out what you do well and enjoy and TRY to do that. There are loads of unpleasant tasks in my present job and I just have to try and slug through it.

I don’t have advice on the negative thoughts as this plagues me as well. I think that we have failed at so many different things that we wanted to achieve over the years that we develop a negative outlook on life or our abilities. We just have to keep trying. Tweak how you go at a task to see if the outcome will be positive this time.

Ask others what they think you are good at if you can’t think of any yourself. You would be surprised what people say, especially in a workplace.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I think ‘do what you like to do’ could be confusing. Will offer myself as an example.

I love to write half-songs on my guitar. Highly motivated to write half-songs.

‘Music’ becomes demotivating when I try to turn my spontaneous self-expression into a goal-directed, serious project – i.e., finish the lyrics, arrange the song, record all the parts for it, including a decent drum track, and mix & master the thing.

Hell, even planning the gear purchases required for that is a beast. As is catching up with the software. Taking it further than that – getting a band and rehearsal space; actually rehearsing; booking gigs, etc seems very far away.

Not to toot my own horn, but some of my half-songs are very good. I want to do the things I described above. I studied music up to university and even performed semi-professionally. At that time, I was around other musicians who were happy to do the planning for me. I’m not anymore, so it’s up to me.

That is to say – I have the training, skill and desire to pursue this. But I am not.

If I just take my cues from ‘how I feel’ about it, it gets me no closer to my goal – 98% of what I need to do before I get there is aversive.

I like the idea of using values as a goal. Very much. I think this is brilliant. But – this is just in relation to me – I question whether what I claim are my values *actually* are, or whether I’m just justifying being comfortable, and putting off a more difficult but possibly more rewarding path. And not really accepting this compromise, or believing what I’ve told myself.

I have zero answers, but I think these are important questions. What are our strengths? How high or low do we set the bar? How much are we willing to risk? What is a safe risk? What is the cost of not finding out?

I’ve made serious errors in judgement about my ability to cope with certain things (set the bar too high) and paid quite a lot. Am now erring on the other side. To be honest, I’ve been avoiding focused self-reflection like that anyway. Not true, actually. I start, and find myself in circles. fwiw.

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts