Doubts about telling my family

[Anonymous]

Hi guys!

I’m Sandra, 22 years old, from Sweden.

Oh, stupid thoughts… I have so much I want to write, but it’s all coming to me at once. I think of one thing, start typing the first letter, erase it and start writing another thing… This inner chaos can be so limiting at times! I’m completely new to the ADD/ADHD world and I’m trying to accept the fact that things aren’t always going to go the way I want them to. It’s hard work, haha!

So here’s the deal… I’m facing the task of telling my family and my friends about my ADD, but I’m hesitant. I’ve just recently found out that I’m ADD and God, it is such a relief to finally understand why I do the things I do, and why my head always feels so crowded.. I want people to know about it so that they can understand me (and the diagnosis) a bit better… i.e. why I struggle so much with cleaning my apartment, why I sometimes “space out” in pure fascination of a color/a light flashing by, a sound or a smell…

Umm… Where was I..? *re-reading what I’ve written* Oh yeah, telling people about my ADD…

I’ve had some troubles in my life (some of which can now be explained thanks to the diagnosis i.e. depression, anxiety, dropping out of school a few times etc…)… And my family sees me as the black sheep because of my “acting out” when I was younger. I was the “problem child”. I’ve struggled more than my older brothers during my teens and I know that my family will think I’m just using the ADD as a granted pass for laziness. I’ve never been hyperactive though.

I mentioned ADD to them before I was diagnosed and they basically shrugged their shoulders, showing little or no interest what so ever. I wish it could be different. I want them to know that there could be a reason to why I had such a difficult time cleaning up after myself, doing homework and showing up on time for class. I don’t know how to tell them and inform them about this (they don’t know anything about ADD/ADHD) without them thinking that I’m trying to paint myself as a victim, which I’m not!

I don’t really remember why I’m writing this post… I think I just need to vent out my worries surrounding all of this… telling people.

It took me 3 hours to write this. I’ve read the text probably 10 times and I’d probably go ahead and read it a few more times, if it wasn’t for me being so tired. I’m gonna rest my eyes for a bit.

Any thoughts?

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[Anonymous]

you do not have to rell them right away. Let them see the change that comes with treatment and learning how to compensate. Results should be almost selfexplanatory. Then tell them.

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[Anonymous]

At age 55, I only told my dad and my older brother. Neither one is very interested, my late mom told us she was pretty sure she had ADD but nobody really paid attention (that sounds so funny when I write it). My older brother found my descriptions of problems driving useful (can’t stay awake even if I’ve slept ok the night before), but he’s not interested in exploring it more (his son was diagnosed with ADD, his wife is sure he has it too). So I don’t get any sympathy, help, answers to questions, etc from my family. We are not a close family anyway.

I think my siblings either don’t know they have it (although I can see signs based on my non-expert observations and remembrances), or their lifelong coping mechanisms are still working for them. Until that changes, it’s not a topic I’m interested in bringing up.

I tried to tell someone non-related about ADD, when I mentioned I had it, she asked how it affected me, and I was just unable to articulate it without it coming out like something that anyone could have. That might be because I have a mild case of it, but it’s also because I am not good at communicating it. Some of the books out there are much better at explaining it.

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[Anonymous]

It seems like it might be wise for the OP not to tell her family about the actual diagnosis. When the possibility was mentioned, she was basically rebuffed. At a time when this incredible transformation is happening in her life, she doesn’t need to hear from the forces of negativity.

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[Anonymous]

I thank all of you for replying and sharing your thoughts and experiences! It helps me a great deal.

I think it’s sad that AD(H)D is frowned upon by others, especially if they’re friends and family. Some people don’t even believe that ADHD exists… that we just use it as an excuse for not bothering. And THAT bothers ME. We’re people like everyone else… we just have a lot more going on inside our heads than most other people.

I told one of my older brothers yesterday that I have ADD and that I’m struggling to remember to eat and organizing my meals… I’m not eating enough. He barely reacted at all. He just said “Ok… Whether you have ADD or not, you just have to get a grip… Just eat and stop making excuses for yourself.”. I wanted to explain to him that ADD is a bit more complicated than that, but I just felt so discouraged. He would just think I was making another excuse.

Of anyone in my family – he’s the one who knows me the best and if he reacted like that – I think it’s safer for me not to tell anyone else about it until I feel more secure in my situation. It saddens me, but what can I do.

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[Anonymous]

The decision to tell family, friends, and loved ones can have surprising and heartbreaking results.

My father was surprisingly easy. Apparently as a child, the ADD diagnosis was given to me along with a prescription for Ritalin, my mom took me off the of Ritalin shortly after starting it because it made me ‘listless’ and not ‘myself’. I remember none of this because I was really young at the time (7 or , but my entire life, I struggled with basic acts. I always said that I was “an A student in a C student’s body.” I realized that people who loved me acted out of frustration and, for lack of a better word, ignorance because they knew I could do better. I can tell by your post that you are a bright and articulate person, and I’ve noticed throughout the forum and the site that most of the ADDers on this page are very bright people. That ‘double edged sword’ is more of a hinderance than a help. If we were ‘deficient’ in some way mentally people would just pat us on the head and leave us alone, but we’re always expected to just ‘get over it’, ‘fix it’, ‘grow up!’.

For every person who has supported me or has said they’ve ‘suspected’ it in me all along, there are people who will never truly understand it and who act accordingly. I was recently ‘grilled’ by my well meaning but intrusive step mother about a ‘life plan’, now that I seem to be ‘on my way’ in life. I’ve known this woman for 4 years, I’m 36. I’ve had t-shirts for longer than she’s been in my life, and she chose a car ride to ask me for a Powepoint presentation on my ‘lifeplan’. It didn’t make me feel like she really wanted to understand my problems, it made me feel 3 inches tall. She did go on to say that she believes that my dad has ADD (duh? I always say I’m not the only nut in the tree!) I left the conversation feeling dejected and a little attacked, but I quickly brushed myself off and moved on. It’s not my job to MAKE anyone understand me, I just have to live the best life that I can.

It’s hard to articulate to people who haven’t been through it and when you tell someone “I know what I’m supposed to do, I have complete knowledge of HOW things are supposed to be done but for whatever reason, I just CAN’T do it.” eyes roll, people sigh, demeaning comments are made.

All that I can say is be prepared to be supported by some people and completely let down by others, but try not to let this deter you from your improvement. We’ve spent our entire lives seeing ourselves through other people’s eyes, putting ourselves down because of other people’s judgements. Celebrate even the smallest victories and share them with people who will truly SUPPORT you. The people who don’t understand it, sadly probably never will. Just remember it’s all a journey and you will make great strides and have a few setbacks, but do this for YOU and you can’t go wrong

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[Anonymous]

I completely agree, going forward with these, we have to be our own gyroscopes, feeling where we are out of balance and doing what we can to restore it, with the help of supportive family, friends, and professionals.

Steffie – your mother-in-law asked you for a POWERPOINT presentation on a plan for your life? That is the weirdest thing I have ever heard of. Does she realize how cold and uncaring that sounds? I would just give her a big hug and say “love is all you need” it sounds like she needs a dose of it.

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[DistractedCindy]

I’m going to go visit my dad this weekend. I haven’t seen him in two years and since I only found out this year that I have ADD, I was thinking I would tell him about it. I’m not sure it will connect with him because he probably doesn’t understand what ADD is all about. Since he’s 83, should I even bother with telling him?

I’ve only told one of my older brothers about my diagnosis, (I have four brothers). He laughed at first and said he thought that it was just me being a (family name). But I think he understands even though it was just a short conversation I had with him. I haven’t talked with him again about it- (It’s that thing called a phone that I hate to pick up and dial issue I have.), but I would love to find out his opinion on who else in our family could or did have ADD. Someday I will have to call him back.

Sad thing is, I wish I could talk with my mom, but she’s been deceased for 7 years now. Anyway, wish me luck with my dad!

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[Anonymous]

No_dopamine-She didn’t ask me literally, but we were driving to my sister in law’s baby shower and she broke out with “What’s your plan, Steph?” My plan? For the weekend? For my hair? Plan for what? She saw it as an opportunity to ‘strongly encourage me to go back to school.’. The conversation was absurd on several levels. Going back to school, although it would be AWESOME, requires time and finances, neither of which I have. I work a fulltime job and in this economy I consider myself fortunate to have a job. I’m the main (read only) breadwinner in my ‘family’ as my 2 dogs, 2 cats and one box turtle have yet to get off their butts and obtain gainful employment, so everything that she said, again, for lack of a better term, was based in ignorance. I don’t think that she was acting out of malice and I know that she’s on that whole “Working below your potential” bandwagon, but has no idea that until about 3 years ago, anything above and beyond tying my own shoes was an ‘ordeal’ (probably why I prefer flip flops!)

Which brings me away from my ‘spotlight shift’ and back to the topic, about 1 1/2 before I got diganosed with ADHD, I noticed more and more people mentioning my attention span or lack thereof. My friends discussed it among themselves like it was just another personality quirk that I possessed, but I’m sure that a lot of it was based in frustration. Who wants to be talking to a friend about a problem their having only to watch them run off midsentence to chase a shiny object? Okay, I never really ‘ran off’, but mentally I might as well have been sprinting away anytime the conversation got too long.

I can remember first seeking out help YEARS ago and when I was asked by a counselor why I was there (best question ever!) answering “Because I can’t stand myself so I don’t know how the people who love me can choose to continue to be around me.” I sought out help for ME, but the people who held fast at my lowest were the ones I owe the most gratitude. My co-workers, my sister, my old roommate should be canonized at this point, her patience with me was second to NONE. My point is that the people who genuinely care about you will just be glad that you are getting help, finding your way, feeling better. The ones who must offer up their opinion on ‘imaginary diseases’ or ‘phoney doctors’ are typically people who don’t want you to get better, even if they don’t admit it. My sister told me once “When you start feeling better, you’ll be amazed at the people who support you, but even more amazed by the people who don’t want you to improve.” Putting other people down keep us from looking at our OWN problems. My being ‘Calamity Jane” was a family legend. I reveled in being the black sheep. There are still people who I will say hands down I love despite the fact that they will never want to see me as anything more than the idea they created of me when I was 17 years old. Like No_dopamine said, just hug ’em.

If you can’t actually kill ’em, kill ’em with kindness!

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[Anonymous]

Cindy, good luck talking with your dad, mine is 83 too (my mom passed away almost 3 years ago, she was the one with ADD and narcolepsy, sleep apnea etc, and would have been VERY supportive for me). I find it hard to talk about it with my dad because I would want to ask questions about my mom, which he might find painful (he’s in a new relationship now with a childhood friend, and doing very well). When I did ask him what I was like as a child (after telling him I was seeking a formal diagnosis since I felt sure I had ADHD), he went very quiet over the phone and then said “very active”. As a young girl, I was definitely very active and getting into trouble with all the neighbourhood boys, among other things. So I didn’t pursue it any further.

My mom kept all of our report cards (except the high school and university ones I got and later threw out), and these were requested by the ADD specialist I am seeing for the formal diagnosis, so that would be helpful if you haven’t been diagnosed yet. And any anecdotes about things during childhood, things teachers said, incidents, etc. would also be helpful in that respect.

I’m almost 56 years old, so there isn’t really much support I need or want from my dad. Our family pattern is to not talk about this sort of thing, so that’s really ingrained in me. I do see a psychologist regularly for meditation training (and we also deal with personal material that gets in the way of it), so I have someone to talk to about this sort of thing and how it’s affecting me these days. And this forum has been wonderful in meeting like-minded people who understand and don’t say “it’s all in your head” or “I have that problem too, it’s normal”.

Our family isn’t a physically demonstrative group either, so they get virtual hugs from me.

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[Anonymous]

“I’ve had some troubles in my life (some of which can now be explained thanks to the diagnosis i.e. depression, anxiety, dropping out of school a few times etc…”

I could have written this myself! I’m very newly diagnosed and I was in and out of high school and college from age 15 to 23 (i’m 23 now and just started college again). My doctor actually thought i was lying when she went through the symptom list and i had every single one except one, becuase she couldn’t believe i hadn’t been diagnosed as a kid. My doctor offered me depression medication when i was a teen, but any more than that no one noticed anything except I was “lazy”.

My mom thinks add is bull, and I also have dealt with everyone just calling me lazy. I’m almost positive my brother has ADD too, but my mom and I got into a huge fight recently because she kept screaming that he’s JUST LAZY! and hanging around with PUNK KIDS, etc etc. Some people don’t care about facts, nothing will change their world view, sadly.

My husband was a bit like that too. He was skeptical about the ADD and he still just kept treating me like i was lazy and saying i was making it up, but I actually made him watch the ADD And Loving it Documentary with me.. and ever since he has been much more supportive! I am VERY grateful for that movie! I am going to try to get my mom & brother to watch it with me again in a few weeks, but I’m not sure how they’ll handle it. My mom isn’t receptive to learning new things, and my brother isn’t very self aware. But, it’s worth a shot!

I also suggest reading Driven From Distraction, there are some sections in there you might be able to share with your family for them to help understand you better. Good luck!

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[Anonymous]

I have struggled with who to tell, or not to tell about this. I have a strong tendency to over share personal details of my life (typical ADD trait I believe), and I am learning to put more filters in place, but it is not easy or natural for me. Especially after first looking into this, and being diagnosed a few years ago, I think I was so happy to put a face to all the struggles, I probably told anyone who would listen.

My family is generally supportive, though I am sure they don’t “get it”. But that is not surprising, since, from an outsiders perspective, it can be hard to understand. And my happiness or success does not hinge on their understanding or lack thereof. But if you can find even one or two close family or friends that will be supportive and nonjudgmental, it is really nice. One of my closest childhood buddies is really supportive. Don’t think he entirely understands, but we can talk about it, and there is no dismissiveness. I have other people that were not so accepting, or not terribly interested in the discussion, lol.

So, I think it is worth, carefully, talking with people, so that if you find 10 people that are not helpful, you might find the 1 or 2 that are. And those one or two for me, provide a lot of moral support sometimes just by listening to me talk about my struggles, successes, and failures.

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[beebster]

@ElectricNights

“why my head always feels so crowded.. I want people to know about it so that they can understand me (and the diagnosis) a bit better… i.e. why I struggle so much with cleaning my apartment, why I sometimes “space out” in pure fascination of a color/a light flashing by, a sound or a smell… Umm… Where was I..? *re-reading what I’ve written* Oh yeah, telling people about my ADD… “

WOW…mirror image of my life!!! Even up to the part about telling my family. They shrugged it off. As I was trying to tell my parents, they couldn’t even give me their full attention. My mom was in the kitchen and my dad sat at the kitchen table playing with his cell phone as I spoke. Even when I asked him for his full attention, he continued and just told me to get a better job with benefits…really like that’s what I need to hear?? I got absolutely no support that night so I can imagine how you feel.

As much as I want their support, my family are just not that type, they would probably give me more negativety than anything. I have an aunt that I talk to so I get some support at times- she watched “ADD AND LOVING IT” before I did and kept relating everything in that documentary to how much it reminded her of me.

My parents and sibling are only supportive of people that play by their rules, I was always the odd one out like you and got alot of judgements, insults and ignored etc for being so different i.e. speaking my mind a.k.a honesty, or just having my own opinion.

I always knew something wasn’t right with my mind-mechanics since I was younger but just like my family I shrugged it off…funny isn’t it? I ignored something vital just because my family did.

Support is extremely helpful, but remember you need positive support, we all do. This site seems to offer that.

@bige1030

I totally agree, the negativey just hold you back and allows self doubt

@Paully

OMG! I also have a terrible habit of oversharing then I want to kick myself after!!!- lol – I think it’s fantastic that you have found suppport – Now in retropect, I think most of my family are dismissive, have always been. They are the opposite of supportive – lol – I hope I too will be able to find 1 or 2 who are supportive.

@Steffie101

Thanks for that reminder, that the people who care WILL be supportive and will want the best for you because they care.

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