On medication and the journey I am on . .

[Anonymous]

I am 40 years old and after therapy discovered (Ah-HA) I have ADD, and now have been on medication since January of this year. All my life I just thought the way I was, the way I thought, the mental haze I always seemed to be in was the “norm” – and thought well, that’s a woman from Venus kind of thing. But now after being on medication I actually am beginning to feel “normal”. My thoughts have slowed, I can actually rationalize my feelings. I don’t hyperfocus on one thing that will consume me until I react. I can reflect on the events in my life and actually start to see more clearly. My therapist asked if there was anything I missed prior to medication, and I honestly said no. I can’t imagine going back to that state of mind.

With all that being said, I have also been married for 16 years and these last few months has been very trying on our relationship. Instead of reacting and being emotional about things I’ve been more reflective and intraverted. Where before I would get so consumed by an argument I couldn’t just let it go. But consequently that has made us grow even further apart. Where before we would argue, then finally apologize – more about the fact we got in a fight as opposed to resolving the actual issue – and then we would float along and pretend everything is ok. We would have the same pattern over and over which he now recognizes as well. And I don’t want to fall into that pattern anymore.

He went to therapy with me this morning (we have gone to couples couseling many times over the years in our marriage) which I think he thought would be the temporay fix we have been through so often before. But we don’t really seem to be any where than we were yesterday. In his defense I know it hasn’t been easy and I think he just went along with how I was before meds because he knew how to “deal” with it.

Now I feel I have changed so much that I can’t expect him to change. Its all very exhausting, but not devistating for me – if that makes sense. I really love this sense of clarity and the need for solitude to kind of re-learn my way of thinking. I just don’t know what this all means in regards to where my husband and I go from here.

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