Lost love, found ADHD

[Anonymous]

I won’t profess to know a lot about love. Can’t say for sure I even know what it should look like. But I do know how it feels. For me, it showed itself while sitting in the Fox Theatre in Detroit during a Beatles tribute concert when Deb encircled her arm with my own. In a way, ADHD brought me to that moment but…it also helped me lose it. So I guess you could say love is the driver for me to find the “cure” for something I didn’t know I was infected with. Under controlled conditions, I’ve driven race cars to just a tick under 200mph but ADHD has driven me out of control at speeds much faster than that. I would give anything to undo the damage that ADHD has brought me yet I’m still unwilling to trade it in for something else. No argument I’ve got the attention span of a two year old and a memory that randomly selects points to remember but ADHD has also has given me the vision to see what others don’t, the creativity to craft poems for those that I cherish, a heart that knows no bounds, and a level of optimism that defies gravity. Right now it’s that optimism that keeps me going since somewhat like Thomas Edison did with the light bulb; I’ve already discovered multiple ways not to have Deb’s “light” in my life. So I’m turning to this forum for help in finding the answer. Here’s my story:

Since a day this last March, like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, I’ve been waking up to the same nightmare. The woman I’m in love with told me I was mean, thoughtless, and cocky and, therefore, no longer wanted to be around me. Sadly, I was totally unaware that things had gone awry. If someone else had told me this tale, I would not have believed them. We had traveled to Florida to clean and organize my mom’s condo so it could be put on the market. What should have been a mini-vacation for the both of us became my “Perfect Storm.” The problem was I loved the woman I was with and hated the task at hand. While Deb could easily envision how the project should proceed, I couldn’t see past the silverware drawer. Each room closet, drawer, and box added to my paralysis. Deb made progress while I wasted time rinsing out recyclables. Promises to go to the beach, the pool, and beyond, were cast aside as each day evaporated right before my very eyes. I always thought there would be plenty of time for both work and play and yet, all too often, our dinnertime was long after the sun had gone down. Deb always seemed to have a plan every day and I just got in the way. One night, I couldn’t even remember carrying our drinks from the kitchen to the living room. And then to add insult to injury, I vehemently denied the move even after being confronted with the evidence. I honestly had no recollection of something I had just done seconds ago.

Uncovering the reasons as to why a lifetime of promises to try harder, pay better attention, and to do a better job, always produced the same results is a little less satisfying when I think about all the people that have been hurt in the process. Every day of my life, I’ve been determined to do better than the day before, but to some around me, all they saw was a rude, indifferent, and uncaring individual. How do you tell someone to ignore what they saw, felt or heard because I was under the influence of ADHD? How do you tell someone you love that, even though they thought that what they were helping, their criticisms, condemnations, and put downs never inspired, motivated, or changed my ADHD behavior because they all sounded like they came from that same negative chorus I’ve been hearing my whole life? How do you ask someone to take you back because you now think you know how to control your ADHD? How do you tell them that they were right about what they saw, felt, and heard, but were wrong about the why? How do you explain to them that your inattentiveness wasn’t because you were being disrespectful towards them or didn’t care? How do you convince anyone that, in effect, you’ve been unaware of some of your own behavior? How do you explain to them that your heart always knew you weren’t an insensitive, thoughtless, mean, or disrespectful SOB, even though that was all they saw? How can you, with a straight face, tell someone that you, sometimes, felt like the two-headed alien in “Men in Black II,” as though you can’t believe what you just heard what one of your two brains had just said. Like an eighteen wheeler barreling down a mountain, sometimes, I need a runaway safety ramp for a mouth that can’t seem to stop on its own.

The verbal volley between me, a man with ADHD and my girlfriend, a woman without, was definitely not a lesson in good communication. She talked and I…ADHD interpreted. If she was a traffic cop, she’d still be writing tickets for all the caution signs and stop lights I’d missed. I now know she was trying to help because she cared…but it `Oh so sounded like the lifetime chorus of criticisms that I had heard my whole life. So much so that I just lashed back with my own litany of well practiced, caustic comments that I had developed over the years as a ready made defense against perceived put downs, criticisms, and sarcastic remarks.

I have ADHD. Surprisingly, I’m not really upset about it. Like most people, I suspect, there’s a sense of relief in being able to hang a label on all of the related problems I’ve had. I still believe ADHD has given me more than it’s taken BUT, it has taken a lot. What I do regret is coming to this diagnosis through the destruction of one of the best relationships I’ve had in my entire life. I have exhausted all my own solutions to repair this relationship but am not ready to give up. There’s always been a place in my heart reserved for love but it was my defensive wall of words meant to keep the pain away that also kept so many chances for love from ever entering my life. I’m determined to change that but, as of yet, have not discovered the correct formula for capturing and keeping “light” in my life. My inbox stands at the ready for all the suggestions and positive strategies that are out there amongst my fellow ADHD’ers. I know the answer I seek is still out there. Negative naysayers need not reply.

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[wizowood]

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish I didn’t see the end of my last relationship spelled out so simialrly. I learned about my ADD before my last relationship started so I thought teaching her to” accept” it/me would be enough…it wasn’t. I agree with the sentiment that although cursed I also feel blessed to have this condition. Besides active knowledge of my symptoms and working on them I am trying meditation..if I could just pay attention for 5 minutes…. All kidding aside I wish to be more present in the moment, I know it will help. If anyone has techniques for partners of ADD people to help them vent and correct before the seemingly abrupt end…I’m all ears.

Cheers

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[Bill]

It’s a hard lesson to learn that I can’t “control” my ADHD. Work around it? Yes Medicate it? Sort of. But control it? No.

The only thing I can do is be open about what I do (or don’t do) and hope for understanding. I too can be very irritating / irritated. I can be incredibly thoughtless (literally), but there are also times when I find the perfect present or seem to be able to read minds.

Humility helps. I don’t trust my memory any more, so if someone contradicts me, I’ve learned (the hard way!) to check my facts before I respond. If it’s my wife, I’ve learned to say, “Yes, dear” and just carry on. It isn’t worth the fight.

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[caper]

I think ADD folks can get along fine with normal people. Mix someone with ADD and someone with an emotional disorder (bipolar, BPD, GAD, etc.) and you are in for a ride.

I’ve posted before that I think I was attracted to women with emotional disorders since the relationship was never boring.

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[Anonymous]

During spring I had to move out after a 13 year marriage. I was is denial about my issues at the time. Was diagnosed ADHD as child but not told and just loved being outside and tha never changed. I beleive that if someone truly loves and respects you they should realize criticism is like acid it eats away at esteem and only causes increased behaviors. It is I beleive a coping mechanism used against us. People who use can not say they do not see the negative impact is has on anyone. I love my ex but have lost respect for her. There are lots of others out there you have accepted you have ADHD. Be open when meeting someone new and feel free to express how your thought process races or jumps around. I used to button right up and amn that was seen as been passive aggressive and from my point caused a huge increase in anxiety. Keep open line of conversation and health teach potential partners early in the game. It will pay off and you will be very confident in an emotionally intimate relationship. Remeber too that everyone has issues not just us.

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[Anonymous]

I too have had issues with normal ppl so to speak that cant accept me as I am i have had long term relationships with my ex husband staying together for 7 years and he just said he couldnt handle the constant on teh go and getting up then sitting and instantly getting back up, couldnt sit still, and then sometimes id get sooo frustrated bc i literally had to focus totally on everything and he never knew i had it let alone me till after we separated bc he cheated and i found out i was adhd but he didnt care just wanted to party so i moved on and raised our daughter who he cant take either bc she is EXACTLY like me EXTREMLY hyper and unfocused and all over and clumsy but thankfully my new bf we have been together for years and he too was diagnosed adhd as a child and so is his son ..he looked it up and learned about it and accepts me for me and we have our downfalls but we balance each other out…i do take medicine but given his background of airforce he is not allowed to take medications but he is the most amazing person and there is hope even if it is ppl with similar issues or someone just willing to learn and accept the other as they are..

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