Recent Diagnosis and awareness

[Anonymous]

I am 42 years old and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. My wife acknowledges that the symptoms manifested during our 14 year relationship match the symptoms of the ADHD but had become frustrated with the ups and downs over the years of our 14 year marriage where she would reach the point to complain and I would be able to affect a change for a short while before relapsing into the established patterns. I had the hallmark symptoms: multiple projects begun and walked away from, attempting to complete her sentences, frenzied speech, inappropriate or inappropriately timed comments, the list goes on and on.

At this point in our relationship, the wife told me that she wanted to divorce me because she did not love who I was as I could never make a change stick for more than a few weeks before the laundry would pile up again, or the house would get dirty and stay dirty or I would get drawn in to a computer game, or something similar at the cost of daily maintenance.

The news of her desire for a divorce triggered what I can only describe as a ‘manic’ episode where I knocked out most of the “honey-do” list in a 3-day period where I slept, on average 1-2 hours per night while experiencing racing thoughts and a need to rush to complete everything and fix everything immediately, to include the years of frustration that had led the wife to this decision. It also angered the wife because she made clear that she could not believe that all she had to do was threaten divorce to get me to “take the symptoms seriously.” I believe that this was simply a “perfect storm” where the shock of her decision was able to reach me through the funk I was in. I wonder if that sounds likely, plausible or just something I very much want to believe.

I have been treated for mental health conditions labeled as PTSD, depression, and/or anxiety during my marriage with temporary success and predictable failures as we moved often, changed care providers and the medications were not aimed at ADHD in particular and often I would feel as though I were fine and impulsively stop taking medication or change the dosages myself if the medication itself did not simply stop controlling the symptoms that coexisted with the undiagnosed ADHD. I do not want to lose this woman, we have 4 wonderful children together and I thought that we weren’t always happy but I avoided conflict and did not ever argue. With my current medication and insight I can remember earlier incidents where she delivered these ultimatums as I might remember seeing it happen to someone else and thinking that “this guy needs to smarten up.”

One I researched the symptoms; I had rushed home with the information, almost hitting her car parked in our driveway in my haste. The wife did not change her mind I had a very bad spell but went to my doctor and related my symptoms and asked him to help me own this condition and get it under control. I believe that she viewed me as another child at that point in our lives, having had many years to reach this point, or a drain on her time and energy, needing her as a mother or caretaker rather than a spouse/partner and the relationship has soured as a result. I am now aggressively treating with new medications as adding ADHD meds to my old psych medications caused a BAD, extremely negative exacerbation of mental health symptoms to include paranoia and a sense of a foreshortened future. I would call, text or want to talk with her several times a day, each time trying to tell her the same information about the disability thinking I could make her aware of the one piece of information that would change her mind.

Each day felt as though it were several weeks long and I simply stopped wanting to eat, or being able to sleep for more that 3 broken hours per night all total, and finished my work in just a few hours instead of taking all day or several days as had become the norm.. I firmly believed that I was showing restraint when in fact I was constantly focused on the divorce issue at the expense of my health. I began experiencing chest crushing runaway heartbeats and arrhythmias and could not hold a civil conversation with my wife without bursting into tears and/or shouting. At the heart of it, I was infuriated that she KNEW it was a disability and she was STILL determined to leave because she felt that I had never tried to make a change and have it stick and had fallen out of love with me as a result.

I have read dozens of books and thousands of web pages of material about this condition, which I now know has been part of what made me the smart, quirky guy she fell in love with all those years ago. I am now able to give her some distance as we live together in the same house and see whether we can be friends to raise these children as a divorced couple or as a family. There are still painful episodes where the symptoms boil over and the need for immediate answers and feedback force themselves to the top. I am not proud of my actions, but I understand now that they are not necessarily conscious decisions. Unfortunately, at this point, I have further alienated my wife, whom I can only imagine is waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to return to the pattern of avoiding unpleasant chores or activities. She is emotionally unable to support me and believes that giving praise for tasks accomplished is like congratulating a child for something they should have been doing the whole time. She has told me that there is nothing I can do to save the relationship given the history of my disabilities and the fact that other people with this disability have managed well without medication so I should have been able to make these changes if I really had cared to.

At this point in my life I feel as though my life and marriage had slipped through my fingers and shattered on the floor by my feet. I guess the point of this rambling letter is that as bad as I feel right now I do not think that I would be doing anywhere near as well as I am now if I had not been able to find this site, and learn that so many other people have gone through similar, or worse situations and that they still get out of bed every morning and take care of their families and their responsibilities. I honestly believe that the information and personal stories I have found here have saved what little mind I had left when I first learned the reason for my often-inexplicable behavior. Thank you for what you do, and for struggling through this written effort.

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[Anonymous]

Sounds a little crisis-ish too me……just what I gathered anyway??? As a rule, I don’t give advise….but, it looks like a little support might not be quite enough by it’s self…. but it never hurts either. If you are in crisis mode a counselor or some sort can likely help keep you on the path and provide some professional guidance and direction as well as relief. Just having a safe place to talk sometimes is a tremendous help…..if we get too chaotic in our heads, it is sometimes hard to keep everything straight……it get too jumbled!!! Someone to listen may help…..so…

In a pinch (short term) many church’s clergy will offer assistance, or give one support, many are trained counselors……quite often they don’t charge a fee., and you can get to see one sooner than a normal counselor. They can likely offer you as I said, immediate guidance and direct to other professional help.

Don’t read anything into the church thing…….I’m not a churchy, or religious person at all, but good people, with good hearts, who will listen and have some professional training may just lift the weight a little, until you get sorted out.

Toofat

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[billd]

Yes – and they are often trained in family and marriage issues…….. good sources of help. I also agree that sometimes just finding someone who will listen without judging helps.

Get your wife involved if possible – she needs to be there when you get answers, diagnosis, etc.

(my neuro-psych was rather shocked when he found my wife was NOT coming to my second appointment to hear all about it)

Can’t really add much to the above – other than talk it out………..

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