I finally sought treatment after years of pain and denial…

[Anonymous]

Just a few weeks ago I started to warm to the possibility that I might have something “else” wrong with me. You see, I am being treated for anxiety and depression that was brought on (or at least severely aggravated) by an extremely stressful, unpleasant work environment. When I say unpleasant and stressful, I mean traumatic. I saw and did things that no human should ever have to experience. It was horrible, soul-crushing work but you couldn’t dare admit you had a problem for fear of being a social pariah.

One good thing that came out of this was as part of the treatment I went through a CBT program that emphasized mindfulness. We practiced relaxation and being mindful of our anxiety provoking thoughts, which I found very helpful. While doing this, I started to realize that I had a great amount of difficulty concentrating for very long and was very easily distracted. Self-guided relaxation was very difficult for me because my mind would wander within seconds of starting: every time! This made me think that maybe I have something else going on…

I also thought back on all those thousands of times my wife has become irritated with me for becoming distracted or not paying attention while she’s talking, or for trying to watch tv, play on the computer and read a magazine at the same time. I remembered the name of a book that a counsellor at school recommended for me to read, called “Driven to Distraction”, but I had never got the motivation to check out and read. So one day I picked up the book and started reading.

I was blown away by the description of the behaviours and symptoms in the book. With the exception of the hyperactivity and impulsivity, I had one of those “my god…. that’s ME!” moments. Everything the author described fit me perfectly. I showed it to the wife and she agreed: “that’s you, definitely!”

Now, I wanted to be sure it wasn’t a case of thinking I have a condition just because I read about it, so I thought way back, to childhood, school, and work. I remember being tested as ‘gifted’ in the third grade, but my grades were rarely better than average all through school. In fact, in many areas my grades were poor, especially in math and literature. I was constantly told by teachers that I “needed to study harder”, “apply myself”, and “participate more”. Trouble is, I WAS trying hard, and it caused me a lot of pain whenever I put all my effort into something and found out it was unacceptable or “disappointing”. High school was a bit better, likely because I could choose some classes that held my interest a bit more. However, in classes like math, physics and chemistry I found the numbers and concepts just never seemed to “stick”, no matter how hard I tried. I ended up barely passing those, even with almost daily tutoring.

Right near the end of high school, an english teacher wanted to talk to me about an essay I had written. She said “I know you’re very intelligent and you understand what we’re doing here, but this essay doesn’t make much sense… It’s all over the place and disorganized… So, have you ever been tested for a learning disability?” She encouraged me to talk to someone, and gave me another shot at that assignment. I did better on that assignment with her guidance, but I never did pursue the assessment. I suppose when you’re 18, you hate to think you have any kind of disability or disorder. You try your hardest to be “normal”.

University was a struggle at times, but by then I had developed strategies for getting work done and for studying. Plus, I drank tons of coffee which helped me focus to a certain extent. Because my rigid self-discipline had helped me pass my courses, I thought I was fine. Yes, until I entered the working world where you don’t have concrete expectations and deadlines. I floundered, sometimes performing brilliantly but other times terribly. Repetitive tasks, and duties that didn’t make sense to me were like torture. I would try to cut corners, avoid certain tasks, try to distract myself with games and magazines… Coworkers thought I was just “lazy”, “immature”, and had a “bad attitude”. Yeah… telling an ADDer he is being lazy is a great way to motivate him… bastards….

So I put up with a couple years of hating my job and abuse from other staff before it finally reached a boiling point. The blessing out of all this was that I finally got a chance to look at myself and know that there might be hope for me after all.

I mentioned all this to my doctor, who started me on Concerta. I think I still need to find the right dose because it seems to work well for a few days then quit. We increased the dose and it worked well for a few more days, then stopped. As I understand it, this might be because methylphenidate is really quickly broken down by the liver. I suppose it’s a matter of finding a dose that’s high enough to not be destroyed by my liver, but not too high either. Even though it’s only been a few days of “clarity” I am feeling hope and optimism for the first time in years. I only wish I had gotten help many years ago…

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[Tiddler]

Welcome! It’s quite a journey, isn’t it! Caffeine got me through my degree too, plus the high adrenaline of working 2 jobs all the way through it.

I hope you find the right dose or the right medication for you. Good to hear of your optimism. I’m working my way through the ‘angry phase’ of my diagnosis! It’s starting to pass I think.

Also, I thought Driven to Distraction was fantastic too. It was like someone had written my life.

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[trashman]

hi welcome.I also find this same thing with the concerta . if I take all 108mg in the am then by 8pm I start to crash, so I have no way of topping it up because I am at the daily max dose.so latter in the day I am of no help or use to anyone including myself.

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[Anonymous]

@trashman

I also notice the concerta (I use the generic version which doesn’t last quite as long) wearing off around 5 pm if I take it around 8 or 9 in the morning. I’ve heard of people being prescribed some short-acting Ritalin to use when the concerta wears off. This might be an option for you, or me for that matter. But yeah… I’d hate to be going back to being tired, distracted, and disorganized near the end of the workday.

I’ve read that there are alternate meds and delivery methods though… Strattera is a non-stimulant which stays in your body for days or weeks (which is nice considering there’s no ‘crash’, but I’d worry it would keep me up at night). Adderall comes as a long acting time release formula, and another med actually comes as a patch (just like a nicotine patch). Like my doctor said to me, “there are plenty of meds and formulas out there, so chances are something will work!”

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[Author]

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