ADD / Depersonalization

[Anonymous]

I’ve been up and down a lot lately. I’m experiencing extreme stress (very, very small things cause extreme stress). Two weeks ago things went really bad. Ended up with an anxiety attack after a day or 2 of depersonalization.

And now I can’t stop wondering: the biggest effect Ritalin has on me is that the world looks three dimensional. Real. It improves my concentration but the biggest benefit I have is that the world feels real and that I feel real.

I’m wondering whether I truly have ADD or if the Ritalin might have ‘woken me up’ from a long, long period of derealization.

(or: are my ADD symptoms caused by derealization OR is derealization/depersonalization caused by ADD OR is it not derealization, just severe ADD).

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[Anonymous]

(By the way: I’m not questioning the depersonalization. That’s there. I’m wondering if the episodes of derealization are really just (severe) ADD)

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[Tiddler]

Have you spoken to your doctor about it?

I can sometimes feel like I can’t quite separate real events from my imagination if I’m going through a period of extreme stress – for example questioning whether I’ve really done something or not – but I put that down to my terrible memory. I haven’t quite experienced what you’re describing, though I haven’t been given my meds yet.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks for your reply! I also have the ‘questioning whether I’ve really done something or not’ like: did I take my Ritalin? Did I lock my bike?

What I am talking about is different. When I feel derealized (or severe ADD?) I feel like the world isn’t real. Like it’s a picture I’m looking at. When I feel depersonalized I feel I am not real and neither is the world. (Like I’m a robot. Saying things but they are not my words. Talking to people but they seem to be puppets)…

And yes, I talked about it to my psychologist. She referred me to my psychiatrist because she doesn’t really know what to do with me anymore… Will meet my psychiatrist tomorrow.

(I feel real today though, It’s great )

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[Anonymous]

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[Carry]

Hi Lola,

I have always felt as if I was living under a glass bell. I was present, but not able to interact as others seemed to be able to. It was like I was watching a movie of my life. It seems like that’s what you’re describing. So I’d say, it’s definately a symptom. A have a notion it could be a symptom of severe ADD, but that’s very subjective, because the difference is so dramatically noticeable to me!

Since I’m on my meds, I feel like my life has finally started! I’m living it, finally!

Feels great to feel great, doesn’t it?

cheers!

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[Anonymous]

Hi Carry,

Right! Living under a glass bell. I used to say ‘in a goldfish bowl’. I guess we’re talking about the same thing.

The bowl was gone for a while, even when I stopped taking Ritalin (stopped because it gave me extra stress). And then one day, suddenly, the bowl was back. It can even be here when I’m on Ritalin.

How is that with you? Does it change or is the glass bell really gone? Did it go because you started medication?

The depersonalization is different though…

Yeah, feels reat to feel great. And to start living your life instead of surviving…

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[Carry]

I recognize the feeling that the 2″ thick glass is sometimes present again, even on meds. If that’s the case with me, it’s usually also the case that there are stressful things happening. And I did tend to pull myself back from ‘social life’ (even more) when I was feeling stressed.

So in my case, I’m beginning to think that I’m able to ‘create’ that glass bell and pull back, because that’s the only defense mechanism I know against stress. It’s happened to me again recently, and I’m still working my way back from that. (And I’m succeeding, which feels great)

If I am totally honest, I have to admit that it’s actually not the glass appearing between me and RL again, but it’s me not facing RL, in fact fleeing from it. By this, I am not suggesting that the same goes for you!

It’s just that, in my experience, during these periods of ‘medicated glass bell’ I AM able to focus and step up to the plate. It’s just really scary to do so, and then the glass bell (my comfortable, well known place) just feels more safe.

As I described in another post today, I think it’s time for me to get to work on those habits and defense mechanisms!

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[Anonymous]

I recognize the not facing reality part. I think it has to do with a coping strategy developed early in life.

How do you do it, facing RL when you’re in the glass bell?

I think I felt safe in my glass bel for years, but now it’s getting out of control…

For me it seems like there are 4 fases, do you recognise this? I’m wondering if I should act in fase two to prevent 3 and 4 from happening.

1 I am my normal ADD self

2 I start staring (a fixed stare) much more, daydreaming, wandering thoughts (this is where the glass bell comes in)

3 My mind goes ‘crazy’, it feels like a million thoughts, all wanting my attention and I don’t know which one to ‘pick’. I am unable to think for myself. The other thoughts are overruling me. I feel very ‘distant’, ‘disconnected’, the world is in a cloud.

4 My mind doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore, I don’t feel like I’m me anymore. I can hear myself talking but it’s not me who’s talking. My body is acting on it’s own. People seem unreal.

(hmm, it’s a bit hard to describe all this in english, hope you understand)

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[Carry]

Definately a coping strategy!

I don’t remember ever ‘facing’ RL. I must have coped, because I never had the catastrophies I read from some of the stories. Things went relatively well for me. I just never ‘lived’ that life. I was only confronted with it, when my son was born. On the days that I looked after him, I was supposed to provide him with structure, make sure he ate and drank, spend quality time with him, the basic stuff really. But I couldn’t… never stood a chance. My wife pulled the cart, looking after my son, me, while doing her job, and our household, everything regarding our everyday life, she had on her shoulders!

She finally got through to me, when she showed me that she was taking care of two kids. My son, and me. I had no idea, that my depressions (hadn’t a clue about my ADD, yet) affected anyone but me. So basically #2 and #3 define my ‘normal ADD self’. Wouldnt know who that ‘normal ADD me’ would be.

I don’t recognize #4 that much either. I knew nothing more than what I thought. Everything else was outside the glass bell. I did feel alienated, but not in the sense that I was not myself.. I was just invisible and unreachable. And unless I had to deal with something from the outside world, I was somewhat in control. And not being able to deal with the outside world is kinda … disfunctional.

When something was required of me, the only way I would be able to oblige, was to clear everything from my schedule and do only that one thing! Anything more than that would cause panic. And the only way to cope with panic, was to shut down. For instance, by retreating from every possible social environment, put on very complex, rich, energetic music, to force my thoughts in one direction. That would calm me down (and wear me out).

.. ok thats enough words for one post! I understand you so far. English is not my native language either, I’m Dutch.

PS. My son is five years old. I grabbed the chance to be in his life with both hands. He’s my lifesaver in that sense!

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[Anonymous]

Goh, dat is handig maar ik ga toch maar in het engels verder zodat iedereen die wil mee kan lezen!

Dankjewel voor je uitvoerige reacties!

I don’t have kids. Even though I love them! I always think I would never manage having kids. It’s hard enough to live my own life. Don’t think I would be able to provide them any structure (rust, reinheid, regelmaat)!

I too need to do only one thing to be able to get things done. Right now I’m procrastinating on a small task that really needs to be done today. It will only take an hour. The procrastinating already cost me half the day. I’m doing a lot of things just not that one thing that needs to be doe. I’m afraid of the stress the work will give me but now I’m stressed by procrastinating… (and find myself moving towards fase 3).

I realise now that I call ‘fase one’ my ‘normal state’. It isn’t. It’s actually quite rare.

It feels like fase 1 should be my ‘normal self’. I felt like that for the first time when I started taking Ritalin a year ago. I felt ‘normal’ then. Connected, the world looked threedimensional.

Usually I’m in fase 2/3. Now I’m leaning towards 3. Yesterday I loved my life enjoying ‘fase 1’!

I’m not ready to accept that face 2/3 is ‘my normal self’…

But mostly, I really, really want to prevent ending up in fase 4 again.

A five year old son! That’s quite a nice age. I find that kids can really help me stay (or get) connected. The way they focus on small things. A bug, a song, a book… Real life. They (still) know how to live!

And now I will be gone for at least an hour. I promise myself I will finish that damn quotation in an hour –> shut down the internet, put on some music, set the timer, and GO!

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[Carry]

Hee, je zou nu aan het werk zijn! Lees het straks maar!

With my tendency to turn inwards and shut out the outside world, even a 5 year old wouldnt be able to pull me out. And if I look at him and try to read his face, figuring out what is going on behind those blue eyes… That’s when I realize how important it is to be out here. I’d be missing out on so much, not be able to see him grow. He’d have a zombie dad, not seeming to care, hardly able to enjoy anything. Breaks my heart, everytime I realize what could have been. And fills me with happiness to realize what his birth changed for me.

dank je voor je bedankje!

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[Anonymous]

haha, ik was hier inderdaad tussendoor even…Vluchtgedrag. Nu klaar. En het uitstelgedrag was véle malen erger dan even die offerte schrijven…

Wow, the amazing influence of parenthood on a life!

just read your comment on another page: ‘we have nothing to fear but fear itself’. So true. I know but I tend to forget.

I’m gonna keep that in mind. Thanks! ❗

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[Carry]

Hey Lola,

How’s the ‘ups-and-downs’ going?

Gr. C

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[Anonymous]

I realize I’m a little late to this thread. Just joined recently.

Lola, those “phases” pretty much describe daily life for me, only I call it “the glass wall.” I understand what you mean in phase 4, to some extent, only my phase 4 is more like my body is a zombie robot living my physical life for me while my mind is totally out to lunch elsewhere, COMPLETELY unable to focus on the present. It gets scary sometimes, and after a day/week in zombie mode I always wonder how I made it through alive. 😯

I hope you have since been able to work this out, or are making progress. I’m not sure if it’s a coping mechanism or a symptom/effect of the ADHD. It always feels like I have no control over it, as I’m sure you do as well.

Good luck, hope all is well!

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[Author]

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