personally i’ve not ever used cocaine, but i have tried to self-medicate with “herbal refreshments”, as i like to call them. and no you’re not a bad mommy, just human.
i don’t think that you will feel as though you are “high”, more so that you “aware”. you may describe it as a “high” feeling, only b/c that’s what we’ve known (from the herbs), but you’re not “stupid high”, you are very aware of what is going on around you and you can piece together all your random thoughts that were so scattered before….. so, yeah i would change it to being aware (b/c you feel calm, but can carry on with life). with that, i leave you with this note…. get on meds.
if you can get on meds. i recommend adderall, but only b/c in the past ritalin didn’t work for me and i had given up all hope of finding a med (12 years of denial). it wasn’t until recently that i HAD to make a change, not only for me.. but for my kids and my marriage, that i went in search of a doc to help me and he prescribed adderall. HUGE difference!
go to my “adderall questions” thread under “medications” forum. it will answer some things that are probably plotting in your head. also, there is the “life after starting treatment” thread, that mannyc79 started in the “ask an expert” forum. he also had concerns about abuse and addiction.
hope this helps. you will be able to cope…. i promise… if you get past the fear of getting on meds and move forward in giving it a chance. i’d say you’re a step ahead by realizing that you “have a problem”. when i was on ritalin in the past i used it to get thin, unhealthily thin. i was skeptical about starting the adderall, b/c i thought i would follow the same behaviors (since it’s just easy to fall into that, but what i hadn’t thought of was that now i’m AWARE). i’m aware that i had that problem in doing that. i’m aware of what damage that type of behavior does to my body. and now i’m aware of how (if i damage my body like that again) it will, in turn, affect my kids to see me that way. i am aware of the responsibility i have for myself and my family now… and i have that power to make the right decision in every aspect. and i know you do, too!
go face your fears and get on with your life… for the better! 
good luck! we’re here if you need us.
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