Re: Survival in an ADD relationship…

[Anonymous]

You know I feel, ADD is sometimes used as a catch-all for sorts of behaviors..and, I fear at times it is used as an excuse for certain behaviors………and if an excuse is strong enough we call it a reason???? From my experience, interpersonal relationships go poorly for many many reasons…. most that I have encountered (which is not all) are due to a lack of interpersonal skills. Most people I know ( friends) are divorced and not ADD at all!!! What does that say….????

I’m afraid I’m going to catch hell for this next one too, but…….I have found most folks fall into relationships adhoc…..and stumble around without ever having made an attempt to acquire the tools required in today’s complex relationships. Granted some relationships are wonderful and work like crazy BLISS abounds. A huge number fail (see divorce rates), sad but true.

Myself…..I’m married 38 years, to a Linear thinking partner…..I myself am ADD, as our children are. We had our difficulties to say the least!!! After hmmmmm…..8 > 10 years, I went to see a counselor. We had children by year 6 or7 , and boy the “anti” goes up then….yes it does, or , I should re-phrase, it did for me. Things got pretty rock-bottom-ish (for me ) around then. So off I went to see a counselor…. because she was making me “CRAZY”. I was at the “if only” stage……”if only she”, then things would be better……”if she would just”……”we would be fine”……”if she”…’if she”…. right…….familiar???

Well that didn’t last long…….if I wanted to be happy, I quickly found out, it was up to me, not her. I stayed with my counselor for aprox. five long years….best thing I ever did….EVER. I never will regret it. My life changed and changed for ever. It changed to the way I was, I found where my heart really lay. My guide (or counselor) was wonderful, my work over those years was exhausting, frightening, exhilarating. What an experience, as I said, my perspective didn’t change……I just let it out and let it guide me. My guidelines for life didn’t change either, I just uncovered the ones inside me, in my heart and let the rest go. I re-learned acceptance, humility, empathy, patience my gawd….above all patience. I went for her………I stayed for me.

We are still together my partner and I…our children a 26 and 30…..we are retired and as different as night and day…black and white…what ever, you get it!!! The thing that have changed are within me……my expectations, and my acceptance of who she is and of our differences. Funny thing also happened, when I changed so did the old patterns within our relations. I didn’t change to change them (that is controlling) …I changed according to my heart and the old patterns either dissolved or evolved.

Oh….by the way……my counselor never ever counseled me for ADD…….it really had no bearing on anything. He counseled me for my heart and to learn what that was, and how to follow it, always.

Soooo…..If there is anything here for you please……..take it and use it….. if not, I’ve enjoyed the time.

toofat

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