Re: My husband has ADD

[Anonymous]

jeaninet

No doubt that you are in a tough spot, and feeling the stress of being pulled in several directions as a mom, as a wife, and as a daughter. I am sending my most positive thoughts to you and to your family in what I’m sure is a very difficult time for you all.

That said, I have been exactly where you are now, so perhaps can offer some ideas. You say that you have had many arguments about chores; instead of an argument, maybe you could agree to have a discussion (even if it’s only in small bites) so that you can each offer input as to your expectations. It could be simply that your concept of “clean the kitchen” (or bathroom or whatever) is different from his, and a conversation may be the first step in a new direction.

Once upon a hundred years ago when we did our marriage prep course, one of the exercises was to discuss who would be responsible for the household stuff – chores, finances, children, etc. – seems that very few people actually talk about this before they get married. (This being the reason that marriage prep courses exist.) We agreed that we would split it equally, and given that my beloved’s growing-up responsiblilities were mostly taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and shoveling the driveway, the new world of marriage that included laundry and cooking was a big step for him. Also, since his dad wasn’t around, the thought of fatherhood was just as scary as it was exciting, because in his mind, he had no frame of reference and he was afraid of “getting it wrong”.

As he was learning to cook, he would often apologize that the meal hadn’t turned out the same as mine; if we were missing an ingredient and I suggested an alternative, he would ask, “Can you do that?” Though very willing to learn, his self-confidence in his kitchen skills was lacking, and he was trying to “measure up” to me, which wasn’t a fair comparison, given that I had learned in exactly the same way, but several years before him.

Like your husband, he was (and is) a caring father, but it would drive me crazy that he didn’t see what I was going through. Would it have killed him to throw in a load of laundry or empty the dishwasher when he got home from work? One thing that used to drive me insane was that his alarm would go off; he would hit the snooze button a couple of times, then roll out of bed with just enough time to get dressed and dash out the door to work. His morning routine took about 10 minutes. Meantime, I would be awake from the time the alarm first went off, and since I don’t do snooze buttons, I would be up making the coffee, letting the dog out, putting his lunch together (because I knew he wouldn’t have enough time), letting the dog in, getting showered and dressed. After he left for work, get my kids up, get their breakfast, get them dressed and ready for school, make their lunches … my morning routine was a lot longer than 10 minutes!

I knew that he was a loving, capable and creative person, but this kind of routine wasn’t good for either of us. I would sit and simmer until I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and while I was exploding he would be wondering where it came from “out of the blue”. Things started to change once my kids got old enough to be responsible for household chores; because as we were trying to making our expectations clear for them, we had to agree between ourselves as to what those expectations were. Maybe it meant that a task didn’t get done in exactly the same way that I did, but the bottom line was that it did get done – eventually. It was years before the word ADD came up, but when it did, we had a sort of “aha!” moment. Suddenly there was an answer, an explanation, so we started looking into how we would deal with it as a family. We began researching strategies we could adopt that would benefit all of us, and have had some success in implementing them.

Also, I know that your sons are still small, so they are probably not quite at the point of helping you out, but they will be soon, and they will be learning by example. While there is often an impulse to just do things yourself, you need to fight it off and let them do it in their own way. If that means you need to leave the three of them alone while you go for a walk, or meet a friend for a coffee, then do it.

Understand, too, that there is a good possibility that one or both of your sons could inherit the ADD from their father, so you may need to start looking into this now, and advocating on their behalf, especially once they start school. Since your husband was diagnosed earlier, he could be a great resource in this area, as his experience can come into play. If it your son(s) have it as well, you will need to develop some “survival” tactics to help keep you all sane.

Let us know how things are working out.

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