Re: My husband has ADD

[Anonymous]

I was married to my husband for more than 10 years before he was identified as having ADHD – Inattentive subtype. He is a sweet, smart, wonderful man. Even so, our marriage was a mess. I was exhausted, he felt nagged and belittled, and I felt like I was losing my mind. Conversations went in bizarre directions or he’d forget them and I’d start doubting my own memory. Important things didn’t get done unless I reminded him a dozen times, and then I felt like a jerk. His employment record is uneven even though he is smart and seems motivated, which has put a lot of financial strain on our marriage. We got ourselves out of debt several times, debt he tried to hide until he could clear it himself. He would be sweet as anything, then suddenly become irritable or completely checked out. I wondered if he really cared about me or if I could trust him.

Three years after diagnosis, with medication and couples counseling, things are better. Not perfect, but a lot better. He got diagnosed because a friend told him that he probably had ADHD. He read about it and felt like the books were written for him. It went on from there.

The tough thing for me is that there was a lot of information for him about medication, therapy, coaching, etc., but very little for me. When I got online to look for information about ADHD and spouses/wives, I usually found stuff about how I needed to understand him or lists of things I could do to support him. Honestly, between working, having a kid, and digging us out of ADD messes, I found this sort of stuff to be really annoying. I was eager to support him, don’t get me wrong, but I wanted some support too. Who helps the helper? What responsibilities did he have to try to make *my* life easier? Where were his lists? He even asked for resources, because he began to realize the toll that this had taken on me and on our marriage, but there was almost nothing out there. Gina Pera’s book, “Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD” was very important to me, once I found it. I don’t think it’s the best book for a newly diagnosed ADD-er, at least one who isn’t pretty comfortable with the label and the reality of having it. It is definitely written for those of us who do our best to support our ADD’ers but who feel exhausted and borderline insane after years of confusion and other issues. After reading that book, it became okay to me that I had felt frustrated, tired and close to despair. Also I understood my deep confusion…I understand how I could adore someone and agonize over whether I could stay with him at the same time. The unsayable was there on the printed page. I wasn’t crazy or a nag or a bad person, even though the situation had triggered me to act in ways that didn’t feel like me at all.

Maybe your husband could watch the documentary or read an article about Adult ADD? My husband had a much easier time learning about it from someone besides me. He already felt that he’d let me down too many times to count so he was very defensive. I know that medication is not everyone’s choice, but I think it saved my marriage. Counseling is also a great idea, though untangling the dynamics you guys are probably in can take a long time. It is also easier to be in counseling if the ADD partner is medicated, in my experience. Look hard for a couples counselor who is experienced with ADD couples. Gina Pera goes into reasons why in her book. And, if things go well or if all else fails, take care of yourself and start thinking about what is good for *you*. It is easy for the ADD-er’s spouse to get very vigilant and focused on the spouse with ADHD. I don’t think that you should eliminate your belief that your husband should treat you well and do his share, these seem like reasonable expectations to me. But you can guarantee that someone will treat you well if you do it yourself. I agree with others that humor can help a ton, but it’s hard to find things funny if you and your spouse aren’t laughing together. Otherwise, he could feel like I was laughing at him (which I wasn’t) not because situations and conversations could get so tangled and bizarre.

Now, I am learning when to let something go and when I need to speak up. I am learning how to stop worrying about what he is going to do or not do. Honestly, though, this is because he is taking so much responsibility for his own life, though he still has plenty of ADD moments (or days/weeks). Mostly, I am able to connect with my husband again, which is wonderful. Three years ago, I was so withdrawn for survival’s sake that I may as well have been living on another planet. I hope things get better for you and that you and your husband are able to find your way through this. It can get better.

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