Re: ADD and religion

[sdwa]

This is a topic close to home because I struggle with it. I’m Jewish, and I can tell you there’s plenty of guilt over there as well. ; ) Standards are high, and self-control is central. It’s hard to look – or to be asked to look – at personal failings when there are so few successes. As I’ve learned more about ADD, I’ve come to appreciate that some of the things I am criticized for, such as not appearing “friendly” or seeming to be “selfish,” “self-seeking,” or even “passive aggressive” (that hurts)…are related to having a hard time tuning in and filtering out other stuff, feeling overwhelmed or shut down, and also, frankly, having developed a painful drive to seek approval where there will never actually be any. On the bright side, realizing that external validation is unreliable and unlikely, I’m forced to rely on God for approval, not on other people. It stinks to confide in a religious leader and be told I’m a bad person and that I failed over and over. The structure of ritual (there are many daily rituals) would be great for me if I could actually implement them reliably, but they are difficult to learn, remember and keep track of. But the thing that really kills me is that I am easily over-stimulated in large groups, and find that when I’m in a room full of people, I feel bombarded by the noise, movement, facial expressions, etc – way too much information – and I can’t keep up with the service, I am always a step behind, and the necessity of interacting nicely with people when I feel completely freaked out makes it worse. Then I leave feeling exhausted and demoralized – not what a person wants out of a religious environment! It’s led to my feeling very discouraged about my prospects of connecting with a religious community. Which in Judaism is a major bummer, because so much of what we do is focused on family, community, and communal identity. It’s hard to be “altruistic” when I feel like hell. Emotional regulation is a significant problem in my life.

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