Reply To: Has intellectual arrogance become your underachievement armor?

[luffycat]

My Gawd… reading y’all’s post was like peering into my own soul. For the longest time, people just wouldn’t understand me- I felt like a chameleon , realllly good at blending in, but really playing a role. I’d get so proficient at playing a role, It was like I adopted whatever I was playing. It was me, but not really me. When I went home- and I can be myself, my true self comes out- and it is NOTHING like what I portray to the world. I’ve learn to keep my true self hidden, mainly because I don’t quite know who I am. And hearing someone talk about me is bone shatteringly scary- because it will haunt me for years, and years… dissecting everything they said. S
I find in me a genius – just wanting to escape – but he is stuck in a maze, and rarely gets to see the light of day. Like the posters brother, I too have many hobbies, skills and talents that are far superior than your average layman- but my frustration comes from the fact that I can never focus on it enough to become GREAT. And Great is what I ALWAYS want to be. I want to be a GREAT pianist – but I can only be good… because no matter how much I try , and put my effort into it- I always end up playing whatever I want, playing whatever I feel like… and before long I’ve built a habit, and I’m stuck. Then that focus goes away from that particular skill, and moves onto the next thing I love- like art. Than I’d spend hours, and days – obsessing over how to draw the human form, memorizing things I’ll barely remember. Now I just consider it seasons… I only get enough focus per season, per skill… and it comes in a rotation, that is not really predictable- but when it comes, i’m on it-and I learn what I can , when I can, and luckily I’ve made improvements. Its like giving my brain some time to rest for a few months really help. Most of the time though I find myself doing absolutely nothing. I just want to play games, and watch youtube videos- learn some new thing, and have all these creative ideas, and desires- only to be completely bored of it, or doubtful the next. I get these STRONG feelings of excitement, a new business idea, new game idea, new clever contraptions , etc etc etc… endless ideas, good and bad . Its so effing exhausting. I just want it to stop sometimes… I wish I can just pick one, just one. And just ROLL with that one, until I master it. But nope… its like bird feed, a little here, a gulp there- a massive cake here. Its so extreme, and intense – either for the good or for the bad. When its good, holy smokes, Its good- I’m on it, I’m a genius, I’m the best there is! When its not… I’m suuuuuuch a loser, such a dumbass, rooms is in chaos with trash, and clothes everywhere. Sigh… just sigh. Sigh everyday. Most of all,people just don’t understand what I’m feeling. I know the difference between laziness, and something holding you down and wrestling you to the ground. I’m so tired guys… so tired.

REPORT ABUSE