I’m tired of always traveling on a mental highway. I just want it to stop before I give up completely and starve to death. I don’t have time to eat 6-8 times a day, my mind is elsewhere all the time. If I’m lucky – I eat 3 times a day… IF I’M LUCKY. I don’t even eat food, I eat fruit and veggies (completely against the directions I got from the hospital)… But hey, it’s better than eating nothing at all.
It doesn’t seem to matter how many alarm reminders I set on my phone about eating… if nobody’s around to make sure that I stop what I’m doing to go cook something – I just press the Reject-button (as if I’m on autopilot) and continue losing myself into whatever it was that fascinated me at that time. I barely even acknowledge that the alarm went off.
Tonight I got the task to decide what me and my family will have for dinner tomorrow… I’ve done some MASSIVE brainstorming… and I’ve spent 7 hours trying to find ONE recipe that might flatter my taste buds. 7 HOURS! Am I insane?!
I loved to cook and bake before the surgery… It calmed me down, cause I could cook, eat, bake whatever I wanted, whenever I felt like it. But now it’s all infected by anxiety and the hundreds of “I have to do this, I have to do that, I can’t eat this, I need to eat that, I shouldn’t use this, I should find ‘something else’…”. And what that ‘something else’ is… HOW DO I KNOW..? That’s like a whole new project to deal with! This is tearing me apart from the inside and I’m pulling my hair in pure frustration. I’m feeling so overwhelmed by all of this. I’m near crisis!
I really hope I’ll get medicated, cause this is ridiculous. 