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Re: ADD and marriage. Something to think about.

Re: ADD and marriage. Something to think about.2011-05-31T18:03:35+00:00

The Forums Forums For The Non-ADD I Married An ADDer ADD and marriage. Something to think about. Re: ADD and marriage. Something to think about.

#103794

Curlymoe115
Member
Post count: 206

I married very young. I found a partner that made me laugh, made me feel valued and loved me. We moved in together after having a long distance relationship where we could only talk or write to one another. I knew more about him from this then I would have with someone that I was involved with in the same area. The first 3 months were the most volatile because I moved away from my family and friends and into another province 1000 miles away. Not only was I home sick, but when he was working I was lonely and afraid. But we got through it. With a lot of tears, and arguments.

When I moved to Alberta from Ontario I gave him a deadline. We needed to marry within 6 months or I was leaving. So we planned the wedding for his family church, his families traditions and with only a few close family members of mine able to attend. I knew these things going in, so it seemed like a fair trade. Since we married 21 years ago so much has changed. But at the core we share the same values, and even with everything else that has happened he still makes me laugh, feel valued and loved. We have moved around the country, had 2 children, lost parents and other close relatives. Was it fair for us to have children I really don’t know, but we were young and never considered not having children. Looking back we probably shouldn’t have had kids. I love my children but is that enough to justify what they went through with 2 parents with ADHD. But on the other hand they are flexible and have been trained to be independent. They have been trained from birth to do more then other children. They can cook, clean, do laundry, change light fixtures as well as bulbs, check the fluids in the car, change the oil in the lawnmower. They were never told that they were the centre of the world nor did DH and I neglect one another to focus exclusively on our kids. IMHO it takes a strong marriage to make a strong family. We continued to date while we raised our kids, and always carved out time to be together. When our kids were little they were simply an accessory while we continued to do what we enjoyed so they learned to enjoy them as well. As they grew older they were encouraged to find activities that they enjoyed and cultivate these. The youngest is more attached to things then the older and she has already decided that she does not like change. While DH and I could decide tomorrow to change houses, cities, provinces or countries we have to take her fear of change into account for a few more years. The oldest is more of a wanderer. She doesn’t care where she sleeps or fear new experiences. I can easily see her traveling and doing things that make her happy. Whether she finds a partner instead of these people who look to control her will be uncertain until she decides who she is. For now I want her to concentrate on learning about herself and having experiences that she will never be able to have when she has children.

Both of our girls have been encouraged to delay or avoid having children. The youngest so far has already decided that she doesn’t want children. And if that is her decision it could very well be the right one for her. The oldest has decided that she wants to be much older. All of her friends have had kids in their early to late teens. Her question is “When did a baby become a fashion accessory?” They are tied down and they always need to find someone to look after their kids when they want to go out. They are always asking her to babysit so they can go to a job interview or other places. Then they don’t come back for hours or days and she can’t just leave them. The one left her with her 3 year old son, went out partying with a bunch of others in a stolen car, while they were all drinking and drugging. None were wearing a seatbelt, they were speeding at 140 miles an hour and misjudged a curve. The car flipped over and they were all thrown through the windshield. The driver got a broken back, one 17 year old got a broken neck, the mother of the 3 year old had a severe head injury and a crushed larynx that required a tracheotomy and the final young man was crushed under the car and killed instantly. He was going to be a father in 3 months. None of these kids will ever be the same. And my daughter could have been with them if she hadn’t agreed to look after the 3 year old. And she had to look after this baby for 3 days until the grandmother came to get him. So luckily her attitude is no thanks, I am not ready to be a mother. And she has seen all of the unstable relationships, and baby daddy trading that has gone into making these babies.

Because even though she fights against it at the core she still has the values that she was brought up with. We never smoked, drank or did drugs. Things in our home may have been chaotic but there was always love and understanding. We were at every parent day, and school interview. They always knew that we would be in their corner, even if they were ashamed to be there. That didn’t mean that we didn’t tell them that they were wrong. If we didn’t agree with their decisions they knew that we would be helping them make better choices next time. But they still had our unwavering support. And that is also the way that we have conducted our marriage. Both DH and I are very verbal. So issues are often talked to death instead of buried.

But I think anytime you enter into a new relationship it is a crapshoot. Everyone lies and puts on their best face in the first blush of a relationship. They don’t disclose all of their secrets in the first few dates, and whether these are things that you can look past or not will be up to the individual to decide. To disclose ADHD on the first few dates is an individual decision. When you are actually approaching the wedding should you sit down and have a full disclosure of everything is up to you. But for myself I would rather know what I am getting into before I make a commitment. But what you think you can handle certainly changes the further into the relationship you get. And ADD and ADHD are very dynamic conditions. Symptoms and behaviours change over years and months and with every new variable in our lives there is a potential for it to worsen. When co-morbids are involved that is another factor that is impossible to completely nail down. But your partner may suddenly have to caregive for an infirm parent or sibling. They may suddenly be diagnosed with some disease that was never on the horizon. No one has a crystal ball into the future. So you can’t predict what is going to happen or how either of you is going to react. And that is without infidelity, alcoholism or a myriad of other things that could happen. And as others have said, what works for some and strengthens a relationship may tear it apart in the next one. All we can do is use our best judgement and try to be as clear headed in the moment as we can. As I tell my kids all the time when they are whining that it isn’t fair, “Who told you life was fair, certainly not me.”

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