Re: Can you have ADHD but still excel scholastically?

[Anonymous]

yeah, i did really well in primary school (upto age 11)- because the solid structure was there, plus the short term focus (30 mins to an hour per topic, then on to something else), the enthusiastic introduction of every new topic got me hooked, and the race to finish first, and huge pat on the head at the end of the session for doing so well kept me engaged- it was interesting, easy, and fun. i was considered ‘gifted’ and put into special additional programs, offered a scholarship and bursary to attend a very posh local private school (my parents declined it) and so on.

at secondary level (11-16) things started gradually falling apart for me- there were too many balls in the air at once, too much self-led planning, learning and time-management was expected of me, the homework load didn’t give me decent recouperation time, i started struggling socially and with depression, my always rocky family situation was sliding out from under my feet, etc. i still got great grades, but my attendance level dropped to around 50%, and i was medicated to pretty much zombified, or in a sort of persistant breakdown state, and barely functional.

college i screwed up entirely, repeately. i got into self-medicating big time (i’d smoke as much weed as i could lay my hands on, pop caffeine pills, drink as many shots as i could get in during lunch, take anything i could get hold of) i started realising that i had a choice whether or not to try, or bother- that i didn’t have to be a good girl, and that working for the reward of praise was a pretty pointless and shallow endeavour, so i stopped trying, my self esteem fell through the floor as i struggled with my weight, allergies, depression, acne, ibs, lack of an intimate relationship, crappy home environment, etc… i started helping with other peoples schoolwork (to the point of doing it for them on occasion) and not bothering with my own, and the praise stopped coming, so i stopped going… and the rest of the friends fell away as a result.

i remember many many hysterical sobbing meltdowns during my teens over why i just couldn’t be like everyone else, and stop screwing up the same bloody stuff over and over again (failing to keep up with math once it got into weird symbols and scientific calculator-territory and stopped making practical sense, failing to make and keep friends cos of my inability to use tact and rein in my mis-understood sense of humour, failing to have the mental stamina to organise and wade through my courseload, etc, failure to get a boyfriend cos they could all see how screwed up i was from a mile away- so wouldn’t touch me with anyone elses ten foot pole- unless they were taking advantage of how incredibly vulnerable i was), myself.

by the time i hit 20 i’d stopped crying- not cos it stopped hurting or cos i’d solved any of my issues, but cos i’d got sick of hearing myself wailing the same crap, and sick of running headfirst at brick walls and not getting anywhere with it. i just… stopped- pretty much everything.

university never happened for me- cos i had no desire to get into debt, had absolutely no clue what i might want to study for longer than 20 minutes solid- let alone do with a certificate in it, and knew i couldn’t realistically function living away from home (i couldn’t even get up on time, let alone work a full 9 hour day, keep up with household management, feed myself, and get in enough sleep).

work never really ‘worked’ out for me either- i held down various part time jobs, on and off, for variable time periods, did volunteer work here and there, collected unemployment and incapacity benefits when i couldn’t work due to stress, and heard about how smart i was and how much potential i had, until i wanted to gouge out my brain via my ears with a blunt pencil.

friendships fall by the wayside or just never really form cos people try and initiate friendships but i hold them ata rms length, i get tired trying to fit in, there is an expectation of calling people, going out and doing things, caring about pop-culture crap, generally following through, hehehe- and i apparently fail at that stuff. i didn’t get into a relationship that went beyond ‘be incredibly drunk and needy, get assaulted, and keep running back for more hell cos somebody thinks you’re worthy of touching’ until i was 24, and i grabbed hold of the one good guy i found get for dear life, and haven’t let go.

……..and now aged 30 i’m really starting to panic about having no career, little by way of qualifications, no pension, limited ability to function as an adult (dire time management, lousy stamina, no patience or impulse control, little motivation and drive), and absolutely no plan.

you’re definately not the only one, by any means.

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