The Forums › Forums › Emotional Journey › My Story › Drawing a series of blanks. › Re: Drawing a series of blanks.
Hi John,
I’m fairly new around here too. In the diagnosis process myself.
I wanted to say a couple of things – first, you are extremely well-spoken in writing (I love good grammar, spelling and sentence structure!) It was a pleasure to read your post and a number of things resonated with me.
When I first put two and two together about 6 weeks ago (!) I did have a huge Aha! moment and a sense of relief. Since that moment I have had many ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been given a new start, and other times I have small (and not-so-small) freakouts over how much mess there is to clean up, literally and figuratively. When we’ve had 40 undiagnosed years, there is a lot to fix.
My doctor has asked a number of times, in a number of different ways, about depression. My answer has always been that I’m not depressed (have been through it though), but rather that I actually have a pretty positive outlook. I think that’s how I’ve survived this far without diagnosis, meds, therapy, support, awareness, etc. Sometimes I call it my “ostrich” (stick head in sand, and poof! all better), but generally I think every step I take is a new beginning.
This week has been tough. Mid-diagnosis, so no meds, and I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. My mother suggests that now that I “know” I shouldn’t wait but begin to implement new strategies. Thanks mom. I have been trying to do that my whole life. Look at my bookshelf of resources. Every day begins with the best of intentions. Every night ends with me struggling to go to sleep because I feel like I’ve failed at another day.
Hmm, I started to post with the intent of saying something encouraging to you because I could hear the hopelessness, but I can see something more. I guess that’s the struggle we are all facing here. I’m not going to give you any helpful tips, because you know them already. What I will say is that you have a lovely “voice” and I hope that you find a community here of kindred spirits that will help you in ways you might not even be aware of yet. I know I have.
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