Re: Impulse control, how do you get a handle on it

[Anonymous]

melissatex: thats not about impulse control then, so much as its about a masochistic streak, emotional gratification and power games, and a porn addiction. there is a total difference between the inability to appropriately manage impulse control due to an organic mental disorder, and being addicted to something and thriving on the anger, chaos and distress you can inflict upon those around you.

people with ADD can learn to change their behaviour. they generally can kinda see whats normal in others, where its a problem for them, and they try and seek help. they don’t want to keep screwing up. there is something big going on in there thats WAY beyond just ADD- i expect involving an addiction. i really do think you’re dealing with an addict (trust me, i’ve known enough addicts that i can smell the behaviour patterns a mile away).

frankly, if that person truly WANTS to change, and is READY to change (which i doubt they are and will be, if their life is still relatively manageable- they’ve still got a large degree of control over their environment, and are functional on a practical level- not living on the street- why would they want to quit?!) then they need to phone a sex addiction helpline, or get onto a website like: http://www.sexaa.org/ , and arrange to go and get therapy and help- and be prepared to throw the computer away, and the DVD player, if needs be.

but anyway- regardless of whats normal and not normal for someone with ADD, you need to look after YOU, melissa. no other adult on this planet is more important than you, or your responsibility to care for, than you are. do not forget that.

as someone who was raised by a parent with an addiction, i’m gonna be frank, and you probably won’t like it (cos part of the whole cycle of addictive behaviour is partners getting manipulated and having their heads messed with so much that they can’t tell their arse from their elbow even with a large map of the body and illustrated guidebook to arses and elbows) but hopefully you’ll reflect on it anyway.

-you need to go and get help for YOU. pronto. do not dare let this person and their problem crush you, because it will if you don’t get help for yourself. not out of hate, or out of any failing on your part, but cos they’re an addict, and addictions are destructive. addicts destroy lives, and people around them.

-you cannot help your partner, or fix them, or sort out their situation. you’re really not that powerful. nobody is. thats upto them. you can however save YOURSELF. and you should.

-there is no magic behaviour, response, strategy to enlighten them with, tactic, or special way you can get them to stop doing whatever they’re doing. trust me, been there, tried that. when they want to stop, they’ll get help. until then, you’re wasting your time and energy, and making yourself feel more and more like a failure by trying to rescue them, or your relationship.

-whatever you try and do interaction-wise to make things better when you’re in a relationship with an addict, you’ll inevitably get screwed over, and fail, and feel more useless than you already did- because regardless of what they’ll claim, an addict cares first and foremost about their ‘fix’ (in this case porn) and they will lie, cheat, steal, pass the blame, swear black is white, manipulate, do whatever it takes to keep doing what they’re addicted to doing.

-whether there is love there or not from them, you’re basically functioning as a tool or a crutch to your addict right now. you enable them to keep functioning as an addict and endulging in their addiction- by giving them someone to blame, maybe by helping pay the bills, by being a punchbag (verbally and/or physically) and by absorbing the anger they’re throwing about, giving their self esteem a boost, and so on. this isn’t what a relationship is about.

-their behaviour is not about you or anything you’ve done wrong- its about that need they have to control, manipulate and continue with their behaviour. i know i keep covering this, but partners ALWAYS blame themselves. don’t. you’re not in charge of his life. you didn’t do this.

honestly, if i was in your place right now, i would be heading straight for the door and not looking back. if you love each other, he decides to get into recovery as a result of your leaving, and if after some time (i’d say at least a year) ‘clean’ and some couples therapy, you decide to get back together, great. but regardless of what happens for him, you have to move on with your life. you can’t continue like this. i doubt you want to at all.

practically, you might want to sort some stuff out before making a move (get your legal papers- birth certificate, insurance, etc sorted out and in your pocket, close or freeze shared bank accounts, make sure the mortgage on a shared property is safe and you are financially not in a pickle, etc) but you need to prepare to make a move of some kind. even if its just to an al-anon type support group where women who are going through a situation like yours help each other to cope and get stronger. you can talk to a womans refuge advisor over the phone about that sort of stuff. but you need to make some kind of move. now- while you still have the strength to grab hold of help and drag yourself out of this hell-hole.

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