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Re: In a spin.

Re: In a spin.2010-10-23T19:13:43+00:00

The Forums Forums The Workplace Struggling In a spin. Re: In a spin.

#95677

Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD
Participant
Post count: 473

Hi

Rick Green here, one of the creators of this site.

Just wanted to comment on your posting.

A lot going on. I can sympathize. I think we’ve all been there.

I know when things got overwhelming and the usual storm of thoughts was ramped up even further by fears, concerns, doubts and anxiety, I could end up kind of collapsing inwards, exhausted and spent from worrying about what might happen.

Rather than doing what needed doing.

Years ago I had a revelation, namely that I actually had choice. I’m going to Blog about this tomorrow.

But in a nut shell, I realized I actually have more choice than I realize. But fear of the consequences, and trying to control and manage everything and make sure no one was left upset or angry or left out… was exhausting. I had no energy left to actually do anything cause I’d wasted in imagining every possible scenario and everyone else’s responses…

When my marriage ended, I started journalling for the first time in my life.

There was so much going on in my head I had to get it down on paper to keep it straight, so I could make sure I fussed and worried over everything, and didn’t miss anything.

A couple of years ago I found the journals. I couldn’t wait to read them to hear how I was then and see what I could learn.

My God! It was 200 pages of panic and melodrama. Chaos and pathos. Every worst possible scenario. Everything that could go wrong. Every fear about what I’d done to my kids and my ex, and what a horrible person I was and so on and so on.

Running through all of it was an underlying, “I don’t know what else to do… I had no choice…” Of course I had choice. I could have stayed in the marriage. Maybe it would have got better. Maybe not. Maybe I’d have left the next year. Or two years later. Or three. Or four. Or four and a half. Or four and three quarters….”

Can you see how many different ‘What ifs?” I could imagine. And I did imagine them all.

My journal wasn’t so much a series of thoughts and observations as the hysterical ravings of an adolescent drama queen.

I read about three pages, felt sick, skipped ahead, saw it got worse, looked near the end, saw that it didn’t change much… and I threw all 200 pages into the garbage.

Blush.

Of course, at the time, it was real for me. All of it. And yes, some of my fears did come true… and we dealt with the problems and issues and they got solved, or they didn’t… Ten years later stuff still comes up and we deal with it. Or we don’t. We may deal with it next year. Or in two years. Or three and three quarters…

The point is, I over thought. Easy to do when your mind is racing.

And I couldn’t see that I had choices. I did have choices. And I chose to leave.

And I dealt with the consequences. Now my kids tell me they can see how much happier I am, and they’re happy I found Ava.

But ultimately what moved everything forward was what I did, not what I worried about. Just calling up my kids and saying, “I’ll pick you up and lets go for a swim.”

So perhaps if you are feeling swamped by your friends coaching you can tell her that. Straight and simple. And make it clear it’s your stuff, not her. “You’re a great friend. I want to be your friend forever. I know how much you care and how good you are at coaching. and I love that you are willing to take the time and do this for me. But I can’t handle it right now. It’s just me. Not you. I’m not ready. Can we hold off for a while?”

Let her know what matters. Your friendship.

Hope this makes a difference for you.

Keep us posted as to how you are doing. Good, bad, or indifferent.

Rick

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