Re: Looking for advice about a toxic future Father-in-Law

[Anonymous]

Hi Ivriniel…

I’m from a dysfunctional, addicted toxic family and have become quite sane over the years.

Here’s how to do it:

Accept that the toxic person is not going to change and minimize your exposure to him. The father-in-law will continue to be his crappy old self no matter what. Accept this and move on with your life by planning for his crappy toxic behaviour. That’s him. Everything he does keeps the spotlight on him…the attention on him….everything about him. That’s why he does it. So don’t feed into it. He wouldn’t do it unless there was a payoff.

Your financee needs to accept that his father is not going to change and he will never get the approval he is seeking from his father. He will have to do the changing in his expectations of his father. If not, they will continue to do this dance forever.

There was a saying that I heard that was brilliant….

‘None of us got the parents we thought we deserved..’

My advice to you is to stay out of it as much as possible. Your financee has to figure it out for himself.

Also deep down he may not want to change the relationship with his father, just complain about it, and thus manipulating you (either consciously or unconsciously) to come in and save or help him.

If he is grown enough to consider being a husband, then he has to act like a man with his father, not a boy, and take control of the situation, ADHD or not. How he handles this is indicitive of how he handles other things.

Do you want to be a partner or his mom for the rest of your lives????

I lived with someone like this. You need a partner, not a kid at this point in your life. It gets tired really fast.

So what’s the worst that can happen? The house doesn’t get reno’d….so what? It will still sell.

Don’t get dragged into this..not your battle, unless you want all this to become the focus of your life.

If your financee does not resolve this, then you must make the decision if you want this misery to be the rest of your life or not. If you marry him and he does not resolve his issues with his father, then this is how your life will ALWAYS be. Over this or that, but the same crap.

Is this what you want?

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