Re: My husband has ADD

[Anonymous]

Jeaninet:

I could’ve written your note. My husband has been dianosed with ADD by the professional he was seeing for anger management and depression. However, he won’t go look into ADD meds. He is almost completely irresponsible for the household stuff. What’s the difference between changing expectations and giving up hope? My best tactic to deal with my overwhelming anger is to pretend that I’m not married. I hadn’t been for a long time. The problem is that, of course, I am. I can’t count on him for ANYTHING except things related to our young children. I get to work very early; he gets them dressed, fed, and to school. Beyond that, I can’t count on him. His routine tasks: taking out the trash (almost always – I have a physical limit but can do it with difficulty) and walking the dogs (so long as he doesn’t stall long enough that I take pity on the poor animals and do it first). I come home and face all the laundry, dishes, housework, billpaying… he can get his act together enough for the children’s minimal morning needs but not for anything else, and certainly not for me. Example: “I’ll do the dishes” turns into “sorry — I didn’t get anything done today.” Knowing I had a two-hour drive in an old car that needed an oil change, he said he’d get the oil changed. Of COURSE he didn’t! My best coping tactic: pretending he doesn’t exist as a husband. I feel as though there’s some wavy, gray line demarcating illness and irresponsibility. By the way, I have suffered from moderate depression throughout my life. My answer was to tackle it and be responsible: counseling, journaling, medication. His is to watch football and leave it all to me. I tried ignoring the dishes, by the way, on the grounds that he’d step up. The only things that stepped up were ants, and I doubled my workload. I’m tired of taking care of this overgrown, LAZY man. That’s how it seems to me. On the bright side, if he weren’t stuck in his chair watching football (or baseball or whatever), I wouldn’t have a chance at the computer right now. Why are we still married? Immediate answer: children, and he’s a fun, loving dad much of the time. By the way, when he DOES seem nice to me, I’m happy. What an idiot I am!

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