Re: My husband has ADD

[Anonymous]

Hi folks…looks like trouble in paradise eh!! I feel compelled to respond!!! I am an ADD husband. Have been married to the same linear brain partner for over 35 years., two grown (ADD)children. It has not always been a cake-walk. Funny thing is I have no friends that are married (still married) ) that find their relationships are a cake-walk either. Linear brain functioning or random brain functioning….regardless… everybody has problems….of all sorts.

My friends seek me out for one reason or another to talk to about their relationships. I don’t mind it, I like that friends feel they can confide in me. I do not give advice I can only share my experience and what those experiences have taught me…..some have been very difficult lessons…hahahahaha. This my experience…..

As I understand it I acquired my relationship tools, as I did all the rest of my tools… from my parents…. and they from their parents…..and so on and so forth. Yikes eh!!! These tools are hand me downs….and quite often are very flawed, but they are what I had to go forward in my most important relationship in life . Most people spend more time studying for a drivers exam than they do preparing for the most important relationship in their life. Sad but true…..

Soooo….I learned very early that my relationship tools were flawed!! I thought I was ok but….hmmmmm. Why the relationship issues??? So I went to a counselor……I went because my partner was driving me crazy. It’s her…. she’s the problem!!! I stayed for a whole other set of reasons hahahahaha. I spent at least three years in counseling…not couples…counseling for me. It was the best thing I ever did. I came away from my sessions completely ME. I was going to say “I came away completely changed” but NO that’s not right . I was able (with my counselors guidance) to discover who I was and…. just as important who I wasn’t, and I was also able to become completely ok with me!!! That is the most satisfying this I have ever done.

There are many counselors out there….not all are the same. The trick was finding the one that is right for me. Mine was tough…golly was he tough!! Great person, serious insite, I could not get away with anything….it was hard hard hard….but worth it all. As long as I was true and working he would allow me sessions…if not he would tell me not to waste his time!!! He didn’t do it for the money!! He worked with my heart …not my head. He did not want what was in my head…he wanted to expose my heart… to me. I had always lived in my head.

I discovered what I really thought…not what I was told I should think. I discovered what I really cared about (deep caring) and ….what I actually didn’t care about.. that I thought I SHOULD!! There is that awful word should!!! I learned when to do battle and when to say….shit do I even care about this….how important is to me really….and just let it go!!!! I also learned to fight nice/fair, protect myself…nothing wrong with argument or debate but there are rules so as not to be hurtful, otherwise what is the point….HURT!!!! I learned I have boundaries and boundaries are ok…in fact they are important for a good solid relationship. Boundaries are not be toyed with or stepped on or ridiculed, they are important…so it is important that they be mine, solid and real…not what someone told me they should be. BIG DIIFFERENCE!!!

Anyway……I am getting long winded here and I cold go on forever…… but I’ll stop. I encourage anybody everybody who is having issues with life or partners or whatever….. to find a great counselor or guide you can work with. I have never regretted a moment of the time spent. Once you know your heart,….your true heart, the rest will unfold appropriately. Friends are nice for support but they come with the same old…hmmmmm set of tools their parents had and their parents..and their parents…you get it. …so….hmmmmm ….I’Il leave that conclusion up to you.

By the way…..in three years my counselor and I never spoke of ADD… It was a search for happiness, contentment and higher functioning….not a diagnosis. The point is I guess, how can I be a good and loving partner, friend, or father, if I don’t intimately know and love myself first!!!

….this is my story and my story only…..if there is something you can use…please feel free..

toofat

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