Re: My husband has ADD

[MelissaTex]

Thanks, “HisWife”, for letting me know that I’m not the only one who finds that the best option in dealing with my ADD partner is to pretend that he doesn’t exist. We don’t have any children, thank goodness, but my boyfriend (of 8 years) is irresponsible in any and every way you could possibly imagine a human could be. And, further, it’s all my fault. He’s addicted to porn? All my fault. He lashes out at me with instantaneous *self-righteous* anger over the most trivial of things? All my fault. He can’t find the motivation to read a book on ADD? All my fault. He only feels motivated to work a few hours a week (he owns his own very small, one man business)? All my fault. *If only*, he tells me, I would praise him constantly [for what??] and talk to him without ever letting him know that I am upset or hurt by something he has done, then *maybe* he would be more willing to look at his behavior. (I kid you not, that’s what he tells me).

I don’t know *how* to engage with another human being without any trace of negative emotion on my part when they willfully – and sometimes maliciously – do things that hurt me. And I stand firmly on the “willfully” part. I don’t mean that for decades he has been running amok, wreaking havoc and damage willy-nilly on purpose. The “willful” part comes in after recognizing he has a porn addiction – and even being treated for it for 90 days in a rehab center. . . after being diagnosed with ADD *years* ago. . . after me placing a dozen books on the coffee table in front of him and *begging* him to read them. . . after years of me saying, “I get that you aren’t doing this on purpose, but you aren’t taking any steps to change to your thought, emotional, and behavioral processes, either.” . . . and he *still* tells me there’s nothing he can do about it. THAT’S the “willful” part: Refusing treatment. Refusing analysis. Refusing to understand how destructrive he is to every life he touches. He is much happier being a victim and making everyone else responsible for his happiness.

So how did I solve the dilemma of never expressing a negative emotion around him even though he lies to me daily? I moved into the spare bedroom and I talk to him as little as I can. He went to porn rehab over 10 years ago, and was looking at porn the other day. Lovely. He’s been through several 12 Step Groups (which I think are cults, but at least he was pretending to seek help). He even went to a counselor last year. . . and LIED through his teeth to the poor man for a half dozen sessions before calling it quits and then telling me – yet again – it’s all my fault. The counselor said men like to look at naked women [but my boyfriend had failed to specify to the exorbitant number of hours he spends looking, and what is being done to the women he is enjoying looking at]; the counselor said that playing World of Warcraft could be a great way for him to relax [but my boyfriend failed to tell him that he was playing it for around 90 hours a week]; the counselor told him that he shouldn’t blame himself for taking risks that didn’t pan out [but my boyfriend failed to tell the counselor that he had taken the exact same costly risk – “I’ll make a million on the internet! – at least 5 times in the few years I have known him].

Now he is using information from this site in the same way he used the information from the counselor. Again, it’s all my fault. I’m not as understanding as I ought be when he lies to me, yet again, about his porn habits. I should feel sorry for him and coddle his ego. . . while he’s ripping into me because I asked him why he was defrosting the turkey in the garbage disposer side of the sink and not the other side. [There were dishes in the other side. Dishes that weren’t his. And he SHOULDN’T HAVE TO take care of or, heaven forbid, even *move* dishes that weren’t his. When asked why he didn’t just holler for the owner to take care of them so he could put the turkey in the proper side, he said he SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. He then told me he gets blamed for everything and is expected to take care of everything, and I’m always on his back. I asked if he was sure about that, if he couldn’t think of one single incident where he had made a mistake in, say, the kitchen, that an otherwise grown adult shouldn’t have. Nope, he couldn’t think of one, and since *he* takes care of his stuff, everyone else should to. I asked if he wanted me to write down some of his mistakes over the next few days so he could keep a record and maybe be a little more grounded in reality. He said yes, because there won’t be any. It’s now two days later and I’m on mistake #24. And not all of them are as harmless as dishes left in a sink. Some are along the lines of deceit and depravatiy. But, in his mind, he’s still perfect and I’m out to get him.]

What can you do with someone like that but just pray they disappear one day? I’m unemployed and can’t afford to kick him out. So I just eat the insults and the lies that he feeds me, and do my best to pretend they don’t bother me.

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