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Re: My husband has ADD

Re: My husband has ADD2010-09-05T19:37:27+00:00

The Forums Forums For The Non-ADD I Married An ADDer My husband has ADD Re: My husband has ADD


Post count: 14413


I can relate to some degree, with what’s on your plate. How is it that I can work, take care of our daughter, be on time, do all the chores, plan ahead, pay the bills, etc….in short, do everything to keep our life going, and he can’t function?! He can’t see himself realistically, doesn’t know how disruptive to my life he is on a moment by moment basis. He looks busy, is exhausted all the time and produces very little income. Every little discussion with some helpful suggestions, no matter the tone I deliver them in, produces a huge fight. At least in this department – ticking me off, and seemingly on purpose – he is very proficient!

You as a mother of small children however, seem to have some expectations that are not realistic. I was a single mom to (now ‘our’) daughter for almost 7 years, and without child support I might add. During the first year and a half of her life, I was with her father. Though not ADD, he was useless at helping out with everything. I mean everything! And as awful as he was, this is a story I have seen with literally dozens of women. Perhaps not the to horrible degree of this man, but not great. Those first 7 years or so of your child’s life are lost on the father. I think it is unrealistic of any woman, married to an ADDer or not, to expect a man to be completely hands on with children and family life. Men are good at many, many things, but running the daily life of a family, complete with negotiating time management, emotions, meals, clean ups, let alone our own careers, extended families, health, etc, – this is not where men excel.

Women all too often get burnt out…adrenals overloaded, the guilt sets in about being bitchy, the love life tanks from resentment, sicknesses happen more and more, and I think a lot of it is because we keep thinking men are like us and need the same things or have the same priorities!

I now put myself first. Obviously, my child is in there too, but at age almost 10, i can afford daily yoga and workouts on my map, meditation and primping myself and I ditched the guilt. I think the biggest piece of the peaceful puzzle I’ve found for me is that I also don’t bail out my husband anymore….I don’t pay his late bills, I don’t step in to ‘explain’ him to someone he might have offended and I call him on his ‘stuff’ calmly and then leave it at that (that’s on good days…but I still blow up sometimes) But for the most part, I have to let him dangle and stop ‘rescuing’ him ….from himself and the consequences of having ADD. He is what he is and a great man for the most part. I enjoy what I can from him. There are many days when I wonder why I settle for this though. I think that’s normal with any man frankly. But his connection with my daughter is so huge for her, and he has such a kind heart, I am in this for life…..i just often fantasize about kicking him out of my moving car! Then I get over it and move on to taking care of me and my kid and ignore him enough for him to twig at some point, that he has dropped the ball on us again and he must make amends.

Perhaps without pointing to the ADD too much, you can suggest councelling together? Perhaps if you sneak in a councellor who has experience with this stuff and not tell your husband, they can be the ones to point him to the right place for help with ADD stuff and go from there.