Re: Need some support..need to hear positive stories!

[Misswho23]

Hi I read your post and can sympathize. Both as someone who has had a long term relationship with a partner (in this case a boyfriend/fiance of 3 years) with ADHD and alcohol/drug issues. That was over 7 years ago. Since then I have been diagnosed ADHD, used alcohol and “extreme shopping” to self medicate from time to time. I have been in my current relationship with my new boyfriend for 4 years.

Last year it about ended when my ADHD symptoms and self medicating reached a point neither one of us could take any longer. And we both were ready to call it quits. We are still together and have had to work through a lot.

You said “if I am going to stay in this relationship!!! How many areas of our life together is affected by this—how many of her self medicating actions seep into my life and hopes and dreams and desires!! ” Hate to break it to you but yep pretty much all areas of your life get affected. The choice is how much are you willing to let it effect what areas and how much and for how long?

When I was with boyfriend #1 I’ll call him, it was exciting, fun romantic but also unpredictable, up then down, and lots of ideas of how we can do business only to loose track or interest in them. His drinking and ADHD symptoms were bigger than mine and I was undiagnosed although wondered about my self. So I felt like I had to be the parent, the controller so things didn’t completely fall part, the one who had the full time job and the college degree….. In the end that relationship fell apart. There was always lots of talk about change, on both ends, quitting his drinking/drugs. Worked for a few days then would just go back to same old ways. Neither one of us were equipped to make changes.

I was left tired, depleted worn out. Too tired to get out the job I was in that was going nowhere and wondering what the hell happened to all that fun stuff we had planned all those dreams we came up with. So years later after dealing with undiagnosed ADHD in myself I met my now boyfriend who is much different. No drinking problem, stable good father, night in shining armor right? Well no. He is a good guy, really good but human. I also had to discover so am I. I do not have the super powers I thought I did.

That brings me to my own problems with ADHD and self medicating. I started to turn into my ex. Yep the one who was all over, lots of ideas, very fun to be around enticing etc. until my current boyfriend got worn out same as I did before. That was my wake up call. I saw the same things in myself that had driven me nuts in my ex. What a fun mirror that was! Now while I stopped with the alcohol before a full blown abuse it non the less was causing havoc with every area of our lives (referring to current boyfriend). And nothing between us would have changed unless I was willing to make the changes in myself WITH OR WITHOUT HIM! I wanted a different life and was willing to change and actually show it.

I agree with toofat that “YOU CAN’T CHANGE SOMEBODY ELSE” The only person you can change is you. I’ve been on both sides. So YOU have to decide how much is too much. How much of your life is at risk. Even though my boyfriend and I have stayed together we still deal with ADHD on a daily basis and have to work at it. And for a time we had to be apart so I could sort through my diagnosis last year. And he had to decide if he could stay. We had to establish boundaries with each other learn to keep friends and family out of our relationship. Even those who think they are being helpful. No not every dream I had came true and I do have regrets that I have to work through. But the point is both partners have to be willing to work towards a healthy and balanced life on an ongoing basis. Not an occasional one. And not only one person taking on all the work. Both.

Ok this this is turning into a novel. I guess I wanted to outline some of this because relationships are not so easy to end sometimes. With her being a recovering addict I would suggest looking into Al-anon or some support for yourself. You may not have ADHD or drug problems but being in a relationship with someone who does can be hard. You want to find help and answers get solutions! Get on with the fantastic life you dreamed of. You’ll have to face that somethings are out of your control. In fact many things. So go over those questions posted from other members. Really think them over. She may not be the answer. She may be. But only she can change herself. Don’t know if this helps but take care.

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