Re: Survival in an ADD relationship…

[Anonymous]

kc5jck: I am new to this board. Found it in desperation after a rough week out of many in marriage of over 20 years. We just got my husband diagnosed with ADD a couple of years ago, which explained a lot, but the coping is still difficult. The not disciplining our kids (13 and 16) on his part leaves a lot of burden on me. He’s the “nice guy” and I’m the mean old Mom who holds them accountable to doing a few chores. He’s usually off in his own world and is completely unaware of the struggle I’m having with the kids going on just 2 feet away from him. When he does involve himself what’s going on – even if I have to ask him to — he at the least chimes in something supportive, even if he is just parroting me; and in some instances he gets a bit more involved and has a talk with the kids to calm them down if they get to screaming.

Because you are even aware your wife is struggling with one of the kids, that is a first good step. Also, could you ask for a few moments with her privately to let her know you are willing to support her and provide a unified front to the kids and ask if there is anything in particular she’d like you to do? I would talk to her about this strategy ahead of time because if she already feels betrayed by you, she may be in shock from your unexpected offer of help in the heat of the moment and you might not accomplish much the first time. Explain about the preooccupation you have with your own thoughts and how that relates to your losing focus on the conversations going on in the room. Apologize for how it has made you less available to your family, even if they are in the same room with you. Let her brain storm: “If you could wave a magic wand — how would you make me different about how I helped you with x and y?” Then agree on 1 or 2 priority strategies, put them on your bathroom mirror and review daily.

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