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Reply To: ADHD and Intimacy

Reply To: ADHD and Intimacy2014-08-06T16:34:48+00:00

The Forums Forums For The Non-ADD Relationships ADHD and Intimacy Reply To: ADHD and Intimacy


Patte Rosebank
Post count: 1517

@Vevolis, I can really feel your pain…

What you’re describing sounds like it probably does involve your ADHD. After all, ADHD means that we experience the world differently, so we react & respond to the world differently from people who don’t have ADHD.

We ADDers tend to have a lot of trouble with social interaction, especially when we feel a lot of pressure to do things right. We miss subtle cues, which makes us more stressed, because we’re afraid we’ll miss them…or because we’re apologizing for missing them. It’s not that we *won’t* pick up on these things; it’s that we *can’t* pick up on them. Our brains work differently.

So, what can we do?

We and our partners can learn as much as we can about how our ADHD affects our relationships, how to recognize it when it happens, and how to work through it. Our ADHD has the potential to add many good things to a relationship: humour, empathy, imagination, enthusiasm… But it does take work and understanding.

Maybe you and your wife could watch this archived webinar about “Thriving in the ADHD Relationship” here: http://totallyadd.com/webinar-archives/ . It explains this better than I can.

After that, you may want to read Melissa Orlov’s book about “The ADHD Effect on Marriage”. It really explains things in depth, and has some great ideas of how to work through the ups & downs.

I’d also suggest perhaps consulting an ADHD Coach who specializes in relationships. It’s crucial that the Coach (or counsellor, if you choose to go that route) has experience with ADHD. Otherwise, it will be an exercise in frustration, because the needs and motivations of ADDers are very different from those of non-ADDers. And what works for non-ADDers is usually completely wrong for ADDers.

And remember, “intimacy” doesn’t have to mean “intercourse”. What if you just plan a little cuddle-time on the sofa, and see where it leads? Or you could just have a really deep conversation together. Sometimes, those conversations lead to incredible intimacy, which can then lead to…