Reply To: Can anyone relate to this childhood symptom

[hum4n]

yes I had this a lot growing up. Well, even today.. all my life. But for sure, when growing up too… I used to play piano or draw when I got into that place… sometimes when other kids were doing other things, outside playing. I also used to sneak out at night from a young age… and just walk around empty streets in the dark (with friends I encouraged to join me lol… I was also terrified of the dark when on my own)…. when I was outside at night, I didn’t feel lost anymore… I felt alive….. also walking around forests…… when other kids did sport, I went out into forests and walked around. It was frustrating for my teachers also, because without training I still competed at national level in swimming, javelin, discuss… and played rugby and did other things which teachers were desperate for me to understand how much potential I had. Also in art and music…….. and generally… that “lost” way I behaved… teachers hated me for it… it made them so angry.. to the point of rage. I didn’t hurt or harm anything or anyone…. but the way I behaved was so beyond them… beyond my peers, teachers, everyone around me…. that it just seemed to them to be the most horrible arrogance or something……. I remember all their faces bright red with anger, some litterally throttling me around the neck with their hands… screaming in my face, “You have ruined the end of my 15 year career!!!!”….. or “You are an evil spider that spins a web and pulls everyone around you into it!!!!”…. “you are a worm!!”….

Also… when I get lost and disconnected from everything… people can take me for being slow. When I’m really just not on the same planet at that moment… and not “slow” at all in how they think.

Feeling lost and like I have no idea what is going on… describes most of my life…. it describes how I feel when I wake up in the morning. When I visualise where I feel I am…… It’s like I’m not on earth really… like I’m in a desert place with signs of what used to be life submerged in the sand.. and there’s a peacefulness to it… but also an emptiness…. but not an emptiness that has any desperation for anything else… or  like I’m orbiting earth and just not on planet earth……. I sometimes think I will actually be in that position some day… just in a pod… looking at earth and floating away into an abyss of the cosmos.

Wow ! baahahah… that was fucking depressing rofl…. well… what’s good, is that with a diagnosis, seeing a doc, getting treatment… and taking really taking those steps to find the best treatment available…. there’s massive progress to make….. and over the last year, I feel a lot of progress has been made. And recently, I have identified what things in my life bring overwhelming distraction and chaos to my mind…. and I’m making big changes…. and simplifying my life… and getting stuck into treatment…… and step by step, come back to planet earth.. and be here. Who I am, more 🙂

Hope that’s less depressing at the end… lol

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