Reply To: Having a Bad Day

[blackdog]

Well, I guess I’ll reply to myself, since I pretty much talk to myself all the time anyway.

I was briefly better, started doing normal everyday things and felt fairly content. I wasplanning to come back her and downplay my original comment and say it wasn’t that that bad and maybe it was just a hormone imbalance or because I upped my meds too fast (titrating up again after having to stop due to illness).

But today, I lost it again. I could barely keep it together long enough to get some grocery shopping done and manage a halfhearted smile to reassure the husband every now and then.

The problem is the same as always: reality has reared her ugly head again and I can’t cope with it. Mom talking about dying just hit it home that 3 years have passed since dad died and I have still made no progress. If anything, things are worse now. And soon I’m going to be completely on my own (husband is sitting beside me right now playing a video game completely oblivious) and I don’t know how I will survive.

I guess that’s it, in a nut shell. I have pages, and pages, and pages of notes in various note books and on the iPad, about everything that is going through my head, at least what I can get down while I still remember it. But that is just par for the course. I have been here many times before, sitting up all night writing and  writing. and going around in circles until I finally shut down again and go back to just getting through the day on autopilot and forgetting all about it.

And nothing ever changes. Which I guess is why I am writing this, because I need to get outside of my head somehow. I need help. And this time I think I’m ready to ask for it.

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