@Cassatt Thanks for the quick reply. After I posted I was sitting there refreshing the page over and over looking for a response. Strange how I wanted to work things more and more and neglected the obvious, as you said, “all the mental processing that goes on – no wonder you feel tired.” I keep forgetting about this. I’ll work myself into exhaustion and then wonder what’s going on. It takes me a week to recover sometimes longer. So I sort of took and am taking daycruncher ‘s advice and not pushing myself as hard. I say sort of, because I don’t really have any choice, my mental faculties are “kaput”. So again I’m realizing that I’ve been pushing myself daily in a way that is not sustainable long term for me. lindsey3 is absolutely right on target about acceptance and about trying to be a round peg in a square hole. I’m not sure if it’s the way I’m approaching things that make for a bad fit, or if I’m simply choosing things that are a bad fit. Either way, the core issue is acceptance. One of the things I have never fully accepted is my hyperactivity. I’ve pushed that so far down inside me over the years that I barely recognize it anymore. It’s pretty bad. There’s really not any amount of meds that can knock it out, unless I want to be a zombie. I actually think I use depression and rumination to temper it…fear and anxiety too. The funny thing is that I have a desk job. I’m probably waisting a lot of energy keeping this side of me in check. So I probably need to find a way to vent this which I haven’t been doing, then see how other sit down activities are affected. I was hoping that meds would nock this out. I do remember some situations where the combination of meds with physical activity have worked to compliment each other. Maybe I’ll explore this more.
Like daycruncher suggested, maybe when I’m feeling a little more up to it, I’ll explore options that work for me and my specific needs.
I feel acceptance is the key issue here. It’s been 3 years since my diagnosis and it’s only now that I’ve felt some of the grieving others have talked about experiencing.
Thanks So Much Everyone