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Hi Richard,
Clearly you and your wife have a good marriage, or it wouldn’t have lasted 21 years, and you wouldn’t be in this forum if you weren’t looking for answers and council. I certainly don’t have everyone’s answer, and am not qualified to council, but I can speak of my/our experience.
Communication in a calm setting is probably the most beneficial thing we’ve done, and we do it often. After that, is realistic expectations. Our conversation often revolves around discussing the strengths and weakness in our mutual characters. For example, when both of us identify a weakness in the other, it allows us to work out how the partner can help fill a void caused by weakness. I know I’m very weak understanding anything mechanical, but with a photographic memory, I know where my husband dropped his keys. So we recognize that my husband can fix darn near anything, and I know where the screw driver is! Neither of us feel like we “mother” the other, when we accept our roles.
Early in our marriage, we used to agree to meet for lunch. After he lost track of time on several occasions, and stood me up, I learned I needed to adjust my expectations, or be repeatedly disappointed. Knowing that time management is a weakness for him, we work within that understanding.
You are wise to go for an official diagnosis, and I’m sure the counselor will make recommendations for you and your wife that will make your marriage even stronger than it obviously already is. Keep in touch, and I wish you both all the best!
klm
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