Reply To: Mom of 29 yr old ADD daughter needs advice!

[dithl]

@blackdog, wise words about avoidable (or not so easily foreseen) crisis.
@fromthisdayforward: “I have been on a long and crazy symbiotic existence with my daughter,crises after crises.” As a child/ teen / young adult, “crisis” was the glue that held my family together. Some were true crises (like hospital trips), some just ordinary problems blown up to IMAX proportions by my Dad’s baseline anxiety. Crises are so very riveting, not in a good way, but in a leap-into-action adrenaline fix kind of way. It took years for me to unlearn knee-jerk responses to other people’s problems. Or to unlearn some of it, anyway.

Very cool that you are recognizing the symbiotic nature of the whole crisis cycle. I guess I would recommend thinking about how you want your role to change (setting boundaries?) and to be clear about that. “I won’t jump in and rescue every time you call, but I will _________”. Define what support you are able to give, explain why you need to change your own reactions.(And no, not just because you are a meany-head.)

(Ironically, I suddenly realized that you are getting advice from someone who has been setting boundaries with her siblings for the last 6 months — with less than stellar results. Boundary setting tends to tick people off, and it can make the boundary setter feel very mean-spirited. Hopefully the dust will settle with the passage of time.)

The other thing I wanted to mention — is there a way of spending positive time with her outside of crisis calls? Just calling to chat, or sending pictures, or doing insignificant little things together? Or maybe you already do that. It can just be overlooked when there is “a Problem”.

Good luck, it is so very positive that you recognize your own process of acceptance and self-care. Lots of good knowledge on this site as you move forward.

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