Reply To: One of those days…

[gforcewarp9]

I agree. The affect my A.D.H.D has on my life is very real. My “perspective” trick is only meant for when I’m really in a state of anxiety, agitation and depression over perceived failures. Sometimes when I’m really in a dark place, I have to think of SOMETHING to be grateful for–it’s like throwing myself a life-raft.

Yeah, the routine thing. That’s just it: I feel so good about myself when things are going smoothly: i.e, I remember to return library books, I don’t forget my kids events, I pay the bills on time, and I remember to take out the trash. But when all my little routines–notes, lists, checking calendars, etc. start to fade away, and the chaos comes back, I fall into MAJOR funks. Actually, to call it a “funk” is putting it mildly. I really hate this roller-coaster. I just want to be normal! Or– I don’t want my self-esteem dependent on whether or not I’ve fallen off the organizational wagon.

That’s just it: are these mood swings I experience just a symptom  of a poorly functioning self-esteem? Do I just feel good about myself when I’m on track, but come crashing down when I’m not? Because, if so–that is TORTURE. That’s basing my worth on something external, and I am routinely setting myself up for failure. However, I’m still not sure if that’s all there is to it. I don’t know if that is it, or if there is something else going on–maybe hormonal? My reactions to perceived hurts, slights, rejections, failures and even criticisms can really be so out of proportion to reality, that I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with me at times. It causes a lot of problems in my marriage–probably MORE than the A.D.H.D symptoms.

For some reason, when it comes to my son, I feel really, really wretched when I realize I’ve forgotten to take him to a friend’s birthday, or an event, or that I am always forgetting it’s pajama day, or finding wrinkled up forms at the bottom of my purse that needed to be signed weeks ago…racking up $175 dollars in fines on HIS library card from losing books. (in my defense, we moved twice in 4 months)  Today, I FINALLY remembered to turn in a Hot Lunch form so that he can get hot school lunches twice a week. I found the form at the bottom of my backpack, a week and a half after my son brought it home, wrinkled, creased, dirty, with bits of food stuck to it here and there. I turned it in at the school with my check and placed it on top of a whole pile of perfectly clean, white, tidy, neatly written out forms, and it just felt like a referendum on my worth as a mother. I know, silly. Really silly. However, if I get a few things happening like this over a course of a few days…down I go and it all starts to snowball.

Who cares about tidy white forms anyway? Why do I CARE?

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