Reply To: Self esteem

[dithl]

Hmmm. I think I have come a long way on this one. But I can’t remember how. Let’s see if typing will release the memories.

I have always been labelled as “shy”. It was actually a very lovely moment to realize that my shyness was actually an ADD issue — processing conversations (especially in groups) too slowly to be able to keep up. Or to be able to remember enough about a given topic (especially TV / movies) to have much to say. Or coming up with something to say, but garbling it on the way out or not modulating my voice volume enough and being told I was too quiet (An aha! moment — learning that ADD causes problems with regulating your own voice volume – in EITHER direction. Loud is not the only way of being ADD!) Being paralyzed by small talk (I’m still not a pro, but small talk used to frustrate me so much. I didn’t understand its utility, and I didn’t know how to do it.) These are all effects of ADD. But without diagnosis, they all contributed to me feeling inadequate and isolated.

Well before diagnosis, I would “make” myself do things that were very difficult. Especially forcing myself to go out to do shopping / errands. Though I remember being very hard on myself (the things we say to ourselves are often things we would never dream of saying to someone else), it helped. Kind of getting to the point of saying, “Yes, I’ll probably mess up and trip over my words, but I am going to g out, and I am going to say something about the weather if there is someone in the elevator”. Ugh, poor thing, it WAS hard.

I have accepted it more now. At one point, I finally decided it was OK not to be perfect. If you are able to find a way to be gentle with yourself, and forgive yourself for being imperfect, it helps. I do still get frustrated if I feel that I’m being socially awkward, and I’m probably still hard on myself, but it’s not the sum total of me. And it does help to know that it’s part of the ADD.

Getting out of the car today, I was trying to haul too many things from the passenger seat too quickly, and I fumbled and dropped a frozen turkey on the driveway. At the same moment, someone laughed in the park across the street. And yes, I looked up to see if they were laughing at me (they weren’t). So I guess it does still hang around…but it’s….less. Less shame, less focus on my mistakes.

Though on a day when I feel that I am just one on-going comedy of errors, it can be easier to take offense at any perceived criticism. And things are going well in my life at the moment…were my

…uh-oh, I think there is small animal in my furnace ducts 🙁 I thought it was the cat in the basement, but she just mewed from behind me. I think I have to stop musing for the night. Hope it helped at least a little.

Heeeere, rat-rat-ratty!!

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